Employed

 I got the job. I start tomorrow. It's basically retail with the opportunity to also trail on production. Everyone in this business has to do retail, and with such a small store, even the people in production do it. Can I do it? I have so much fear. I have fear that I will be fired. I really don't like making mistakes. And I feel less than when I do. Because I feel like all my life I've been behind. I've been told that I was less than and the bad stuff is easier to believe, so I've believed it. I'm almost over the fact that my career, or lack there of, isn't where it should be. What is should? I don't know anymore. But if being unemployed for so long gave me anything, it gave me the peace of mind to know that I am not on the same path as everyone else. And the pride that I had, that got in my way, that told me I deserve more... its humbled me. I have to work for it. Maybe a little harder than some... and maybe this is obvious to most. But I've never been given a break when it comes to my career. And so back when I was twenty-four, five, and even thirty, I was bitter about it. Everyone is really happy for me and that feels great, but this I don't know what it will turn into. It could turn into a real career. I could get my food handler's certificate and make more money. That would be the next step before I even thought about school. But at least there is a next step. I just worry, because I worry so much, what if this doesn't work out? But as I sat on my window and looked out into New York City, I thought it will work out. I will be a rock star at this. I got this weird surge of confidence and it feels great. I need this to be great. I need a great thing in my life. We all do, and if you're reading this, I hope you have a great thing too.