And Then I Said I Love You

I'm in love.

He might be my best friend.

Saying those three words nearly made my heart stop.

I didn't want to fall in love with him. I tried not to be. I was told to just get over it. We've been through everything together. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I felt guilty and wrong and bad for the feelings that I had. But it's how I felt and I had to allow myself to feel them in order to move on.

I knew deep down he didn't see me the same way. But I had to say it. I had to risk the friendship.

I decided it would have to be done before he went on vacation for a week. This would give us space.

So, on May 20th at roughly two in the morning I said it. I was nervous and jittery and making him nervous. I couldn't sleep. He came out of his room (he's living with me since he lost his job to make things even more complicated).

I said I have something to say and it's not easy for me to say it. He thought maybe I was sick. That maybe I wanted him to move out. That maybe he did something wrong or that I did something wrong. I said none of those were true. You did nothing wrong.

I paused. I then said I understand you, respect you and love you as much as anyone. His sat in the computer chair in his room in his underwear. He was not expecting that.

My voice cracked. I looked up at the ceiling. I wasn't going to cry. I didn't cry.

I said I know you have never thought of me this way. I know that I won't ever have the perfect body or be the most popular.

I then looked at him straight in the eye and said:

But I like you just the way you are.

I paused and then walked back to my room. He jumped up and asked what happens next. I didn't have words left in me. He said he needed time to process this. I said I understood. It took me a long time to figure out just how I felt with everyone telling me how I felt. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He was my best friend. I felt guilty.

But I also told him that I had to say something because if I didn't I would feel like a coward. He said he respected that.

I went to bed.

I couldn't sleep. I cried in my room. I was overwhelmed. I was so afraid, happy, sad, proud -- he didn't sleep either.

We ate pancakes together in the morning. It wasn't so weird. We've texted since. He's pretending like everything is normal. That's okay with me for right now. It's a lot to take in.

But if he never says anything can the friendship survive? He is getting involved (again) with a verbally and physically abusive man. He has issues. We all do. Can I be his friend even if this other man in his life? Can we still live together? We have a friendship with no boundaries. What if there are boundaries now? Can I live with that?

I'm seeing him tonight (or tomorrow) for the first time. I'm nervous. I don't want to be mean or jealous or angry.

I also don't want to be wrestless. And I can honestly say that the week he was gone I was at peace. I felt content and rested and I didn't miss him. Whatever happens, life goes on. I can live without him. I know that now.

And I don't regret saying I love you. I might not get the ending of a Julia Roberts movie. It might make me pathetic in someone's eyes. But for me it allowed me to grow and move on and be brave and be in the moment.

It's so hard to be in the moment. But a week ago I was. I took charge of my life. I did that. No one else.

I have a reason to be proud of myself and I haven't been proud of myself in a really long time.