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I have been sick the past week and have had more time to think than I need. Thinking depresses me. Thinking about where my life is going ... what I have to look forward to throws me into deep sadness. Yes I am going to New York in a couple of weeks, DC the end of February, Montreal and LA in April and a fun road trip in September but the in between of it all...

My California move isn't on track. I can't sell for what I paid for and probably never will. But mostly I'm scared. A friend of mine's mother who is a real estate agent came to do an evaluation on what I can get in terms of selling and renting. Unfortunately renting won't be feasible as I can't rent it for what I pay in mortgage and I can't afford to pay the balance. She did say if I cleaned up the yard and little things she can put it on the market and see what she can do. She would even help me out by way of lowering her commission, which is so great of her. And then she asked me what I wanted to do out in California. I don't know. I have no idea. My life is a huge question mark. 

So that is the reason for my change of plans. I am crushingly terrified. Of what? Of failing. Of selling my house, moving across country, and not being able to do it. And what if that happens? What would I have to come home to? I would then have no home and would probably end up going back to renting. Because renting affords so much more flexibility. With renting you don't have to worry about selling when you want to move somewhere. But then in my opinion and how I have been raised, and taught is renting is going backwards in life. I own a house. I have equity in property. And if I no longer own that...have that adult responsibility and go back to renting it is (to me) going completely backwards in life. What's next? Going back to living with my parents? 

I wish there was a look into my future to tell me what will happen. 

I wish I wasn't so scared.

I wish I was more confident in myself and the decisions I make. 

I wish I wish I wish. 

Why am I so blocked in life? Why can't I move forward and do what I want to do? Can someone please move this gigantic rock blocking me from what I want in life?