Brother

My brother texted me to invite me to his home for Christmas. He is almost five years older then me, and we never got a long. We fought a lot as kids and teenagers, and then mellowed out and I thought, in our twenties, might have connected. And that connection passed and to this day we remain strangers. I have love for him and wish him well, but after spending twenty-something years pretending to be straight, I can’t pretend anymore in my life. My inability to fake it, might be a product of my single-hood. But my brother and I, it’s not a good fit. And there’s a sadness and a feeling of, how am I responsible for this relationship? We make decisions every day as adults and it’s complicated, but when my dad was sick and I was left alone to deal with my broken family something crossed over in me. My brother had a lack of empathy that changed the way I saw him. He had his reasons, and I heard them and disagreed. It doesn’t make me right or him wrong, wouldn’t that be easy if that were the case? We didn’t then become estranged, we’re not estranged. But our conversations are short and stay above the surface. If we went deeper we might come to an understanding, but we also might drown. And my broken family can’t take another hit.