Trust

In my life, I have realized that my biggest issue is trust. I don't trust anyone. Not even myself. 

Surrender

I had to surrender today. I’ve been in Austin almost a year, and I finally got a Texas driver’s license. And they took my New York license. They took the last little bit of my New York life that I held to. It’s looking like I am also going to buy a condo, securing my place in this life, for another few years.

I’ve been back to New York only twice in this last year, but not until today did it all feel real. Really, real. There’s no bitterness or illusion, of what any of this might be. It is what it is. I’ve said that a lot in this last year, as my life has changed shape, color, and size. 

I guess my phone number is still the same. You can still call me. Will you still call me?

A home owner, a business owner, a man with a license, all these things that I do suggest stability. And yet, I feel as though I am floating above it all. 

You can try to escape the story of your life but you can’t. 

It happened.

The career wasn’t a career after all

You had to start it yourself

The heart broke

You had to heal it yourself

You sold the house

A new home had to be built

But it didn’t look like the picture

It never does

You had to love the picture

And the people in it

But the picture broke

The dad went crazy

The broken glass from the frame sent everyone in a different direction

Maybe that was wise?

I hope wise

Mine isn’t the story I would have chosen in the beginning

But I’ll take it

It is my story

It’s only mine

death of cinderella

when you have a secret two things happen:

1. it winds up owning you
2. you end up owning it

basically, you're never in control of it.

and when it's released it can kill you.

my parents almost killed themselves. it's a figure of speech. or is it?

girl, interrupted

at being sixty-five

not such a girl.

death of true love. first love. only love?

pills.

to make you better?

what's better?

happy new year.

resolution?

a good night's sleep.

but i want to wake up in the morning.

i hope you want to wake up in the morning too.

i love you mom

NEGATIVE

We had talked for a year
We had met.
There was a chemistry.
He lived in Houston. I was in Austin.
We decided to spend a weekend together.
To see "what if"...
I don't spend weekends with people.
But "what if"...
How many guys want to go there?
I'd like to go there.
So I went.
And it was a good weekend.
We talked and had sex and got to know each other.
We had decided to make plans to see each other again.
And then he left.
And I got a sore throat.
And I kept getting up in the middle of the night to pee.
And it burned when I did, like a hydro peroxide.
I looked down at my penis the next day.
It was inflamed. Enraged.
A brown discharge came out of my body.
The kind you see when you pick a scab.
But this cut was deeper.
He swore he was free of all diseases.
He just had a cough from teaching kindergarten kids.
Maybe it was a urinary tract infection?
I got tested and treated.
And I was positive. At 34, I had gonorrhea.
What are the chances?
I got tested for HIV and every other sexually transmitted disease.
I stripped naked for the second time.
Because I also have jock itch from running and the weather change.
But I didn't know at the point what anything was anymore.
And this woman examined my entire body as if I had been raped.
She asked if I had ever been raped.
I felt raped.
Raped of an idea, a dream, a promise.
Do you meet guys online, she asked.
Where do you meet guys anymore?
This is what you get what you go to the Centers of Disease Control.
All I want is to be in control again.
And after my blood was taken I passed out on the floor.
This is normal. I expected it. These last three weeks have taken everything out of me. Well, not everything.
I'm stronger then that. Then this. I think? I hope.
I was still conscious, as they fed me a juice box. Hi-C. I felt like a kid again.
But I'm not a kid.
To be a kid again, underneath a fort made of blankets.
They had rapid testing
And I tested negative.
He says he's negative.
What do two negatives make?
I'm so fucking single.
But I'm healthy. And proud to be single, for maybe the first time in my life?

Scared.

I wish I wasn't so scared. Of everything. But mostly I'm afraid of the unknown, which in my opinion is the worst type of fear. How do you overcome something that you haven't even faced yet, really. That doesn't make any sense but that's how I feel. 

I'm finally doing it, putting my house on the market and selling it. My plan? Move back in with my parents for a year (ugh) to save money. While I am there I plan to do some research looking for jobs in any state besides Rhode Island. Hopefully either Florida or California. I need a change and I need a new job. As much as my current job affords me some perks...working for my dad, extra vacation days etc., I am slowly fading away into oblivion with the stress and unhappiness I feel on a day to day basis working here. The dread of going into work begins the day before and I am drowning. 

Hopefully this change works and I find something I like. But I'm again, scared. I don't know what I want to do. Work in a book publishing company? But books are sadly becoming obsolete. Work at Disney or Universal Studios? But in which department? I miss the days of things being decided for me. 

Simple

Here’s what simple and happy looks like. We are shown this when we are kids. Do you see it? Can you feel it? Sit with it? Hold it? Don't let go, because the older you get the harder it is to recognize it. And when it’s gone it’s more complicated because we are adult, if we are lucky. Maybe we are still kids, battered from the reality of what life is, before it’s ever even fair. What is fair? So you pick up the phone, and you talk to someone who can remind you of who you were before everyone who never mattered told you who you should be.

The Worst Of Him

The worst of him will kill you before you get the best of him. I keep telling myself that. I learned that lesson once before. Better to have gotten out now, maybe the universe was secretly doing me a favor. You think you’re filling a glass up with something, and then you pick it up and everything you’ve been pouring into it comes out the bottom. There’s a hole. 

I don’t want to be on your time, Lindsay said.

I don’t either. Put me in another time, I replied.

I’ve always been crazy but it kept me from going insane.

Life is filled with moments where you have to sit alone with yourself.

I miss you already, was the last thing I said to myself. And that was all so unfortunately true. Sometimes people get lost, I get lost, from time to time. Probably more than one should.

 Sometimes people find there way home again.

Brother and Sister

What if I forgive myself? What if I’m not sorry? What if I did the right thing, and still it didn’t matter? What if I told you I don’t like my brother and sister? You would think of me as the bad guy, this is a truth we are not allowed to say out loud. I didn’t use the word hate, there’s no hating here. This isn’t a rant from a sixteen year-old. I have sat with this feeling for many years, repressed it, denied it. There’s the simple truth that there is no relationship. And looking back at my life, there never has been. You could blame the age difference, but I don’t want to place blame on anyone. I simply can’t lie anymore, so cast me as the villain. I wish I could lie, but holding onto a lie eats the inside of my stomach up. Do I want to be estranged from them? Are we already estranged? There’s nothing to fix. Try again. I don’t want too. Is that selfish? Maybe. Is this being written in anger? No, I’m not even angry. I’ve been angry before with them, but I settled that with myself on my terms. And I cried tonight, a little bit, thinking about the fact that I don’t care. I’m looking at pictures of us, younger, on my wall, trying to feel a connection. The memory that says stop. You do care. You’re suppose to care, but I just don’t. My tears weren’t tears of sadness, but of relief. For I’ve never really admitted this, for fear that I would burn in hell. Maybe now I really will, but this is my truth. And the truth is a bitch that’s hard to swallow, but when you do swallow it, you feel a fearlessness that can’t be duplicated by any other action.

Another One Bites the Dust

Remember when I told you he still liked me? I was wrong. We were sitting in his car on the fourth of the July after spending all day together. It was two thirty in the morning. I went to kiss him, and he turned his cheek. I asked him, “you don’t want to kiss me?” and he shrugged his shoulders and said, “I think just friends. I think friends is best.” I paused, and thought of course, the signs were there. But there were mixed signals. It wasn’t just my infatuation for a summer romance. I guess I was suppose to ask him why, but it felt desperate and inconsequential. He just wasn’t into me. Anything he said, I wouldn’t believe. I would believe something even worse, and does anyone tell you the truth? The truth is as I sit here with a heavy heart, he is relieved, happy, it’s probably the best he’s felt in two months. He doesn’t have to spend anymore time with me, see me ever again, even though he still owes me three hundred and sixty dollars. Yes, I really did lend someone five hundred dollars that I knew for a month and a half. But I don’t regret it, I was happy to help, it’s who I am. I helped make his first show happen. And maybe years from now, even though he told me once that he never looks back, he will be reminded of me in some way, and appreciate my kindness and generosity. Because I am, kind and generous. I have to believe that. 

Sex Or Not

We haven’t had sex yet, but he’ll put his arm around me and kiss me in public. Every friend I’m introduced to knows my name, my story. He told me he liked me two weeks into dating. I never had a guy do that to me before. He is a gentlemen, and this is turning into a perfect summer romance. But we haven’t had sex yet, he is old fashioned. He once went nearly a year without sex. He says he sometimes puts those he likes on a pedestal and the sex can knock them down. Is he talking about me? He said sex can sometimes, most of the time, taint that perfect feeling of love. It can create lust and jealously. I didn’t disagree, my only argument was simple : but sex is good. I thought this was all a sweet way of telling me he knows I am must be frustrated. When I told him once he could spend the night, he then started inviting me to spend the night. Everything else between us worked, so why not be patient? It could make it all better. I mean, we see each other three times a week now. He must still like me.

The rush of not breathing

Seussical Jr. is over. The show went up two weeks ago. I had feared it, dreaded it, thought for sure it would be terrible. But it wasn't...it went so incredibly well! Afterwards I had so many people come up to me and compliment me on a job well done. Nobody could believe how fantastic it was. I had a conversation with the Godparents of one of my kids Emilia...who played JoJo on Sunday. They said they had recently seen another children's production, which was torture to sit through and as they drove up from Manhattan to see Emi in Seussical they dreaded sitting through another show but they were floored, they shook my hand and congratulated me saying "It was AMAZING!" I went to Stop & Shop to get the flowers for my 8th graders and the florist said to me "Oh, Seussical! I have had a lot of people coming in for flowers for that show, they said it was incredible." 

I have never had the reaction after a show as I got from Seussical. Yes, everyone is always saying how great the shows are, and how much they loved them, and with each passing year it gets better and better. But this was a whole other level. I was so proud of all of my kids. They definitely pulled it together and it all turned out incredible. 

The day following the performance I hopped on a plane with family and friends to Italy. It was a much needed two week vacation. I sat on the beach, I ate a lot of gelato, walked up a number of stairs, basked in the glow of the gorgeous Mediterranean. It was a magical trip. We spent one night in Naples before traveling by boat to an island off of Naples, Ischia. It was beautiful, and our hotel suite that Carrie and I were in had a loft and it overlooked the Mediterranean. Breathtaking. We stayed there four nights, eating delicious food and spending quality time with each other. 

Following Ischia we made our way to Positano, where we had rented a villa for seven nights. WOW! The villa was incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three floors, again overlooking the Mediterranean. A beautiful terrace on the first floor and the third. It was so nice to relax. So nice to spend time with my friend Carrie, who I never get to see since her move to DC. 

The best part of my trip was a trip to the Thermal Spa Poseidon in Ischia. I can't even describe in words how beautiful this place was. It was an outdoor spa basically, pools of varying degrees of thermal waters, which were naturally pooled into the basins from the center of the mountain. Starting off at a cooler temperature until you reach 40 degrees Celsius (which I believe is around 80 degrees Fahrenheit).  The hot pools were alongside an ice cold pool...from 40 celsius to 15 celsius (80 fahrenheit to 45 fahrenheit I believe. Going from the hot to the extreme cold was an incredible feeling. You step into the cold and you feel it immediately, the nerves under your skin tingle and as you immerse yourself fully into the water the coldness constricts your breathing and your lungs. It's difficult to take a breath. But it's invigorating, and it leaves you with this amazing feeling. You only stay in the cold for at the most 30 seconds, and that's all you need. It's a rush. And it's addicting. 

Oh and also...we met Denzel Washington. 

I Like Him

He is a director, putting on his first show this summer on his own. He asked me to bake pies for it, things had been going well. I guess he still liked me. Why would he not ask me if he didn’t like me? But when I asked if he needed help setting up and he said yes, and then he asked at midnight that night if he could borrow four hundred dollars I got nervous. I had lent money to a friend, who was a heroin addict and used me for that reason, the high that she needed. I lent money to a man I loved, and he never paid me back. I had made a promise to never do that again. But standing infront of me, he wasn’t either of those people. We had known each other not even two months, but I knew he was a good man. An honest man, I could tell you that. And he paid me a little back (sometimes a little can go a long way). And he still likes me. And I still like him.

Brother

My brother texted me to invite me to his home for Christmas. He is almost five years older then me, and we never got a long. We fought a lot as kids and teenagers, and then mellowed out and I thought, in our twenties, might have connected. And that connection passed and to this day we remain strangers. I have love for him and wish him well, but after spending twenty-something years pretending to be straight, I can’t pretend anymore in my life. My inability to fake it, might be a product of my single-hood. But my brother and I, it’s not a good fit. And there’s a sadness and a feeling of, how am I responsible for this relationship? We make decisions every day as adults and it’s complicated, but when my dad was sick and I was left alone to deal with my broken family something crossed over in me. My brother had a lack of empathy that changed the way I saw him. He had his reasons, and I heard them and disagreed. It doesn’t make me right or him wrong, wouldn’t that be easy if that were the case? We didn’t then become estranged, we’re not estranged. But our conversations are short and stay above the surface. If we went deeper we might come to an understanding, but we also might drown. And my broken family can’t take another hit.

Green stained shorts

And then I met someone’s hand I didn’t want to let go. We met for lunch, in the morning, before eleven. He’s a teacher and this is his break. And I’ve been on a break for thirty-four years, so I agreed to the time. I was kind of excited, but he was always so busy. His scheduled overwhelmed me. I purposefully wore shorts, to show off my legs (I run a lot). I arrived first. He came shortly after, from behind. And I decided walking in to the restaurant, I wouldn’t try to hide the green stained cut off jean shorts I decided to wear. I didn’t think they would be stained. I didn’t even understand where the green stain came from. I still don’t. I also didn’t try to be funny or serious or any variation of what I once thought you were suppose to try to be when meeting someone new -  whether it be romantic or not. And to be fair, I really did stop doing that around thirty. But he was even more attractive in person. I figured I would never see him again, but before I even got home he had texted me to tell me he thought I was cute. I didn’t know I could still be cute at thirty-four. I think the green stained shorts had something to do with it. When I washed them later that week, the stain came out. 

Post Traumatic Stress

Post Traumatic Stress. I have it, don’t we all? The stress of the day, the trauma of the past, and the future. His friends died in Iraq. If I had friends die in a war, I might drink too. He kissed me, violently, with a little bit of a bite. He expressed his true feelings, after dropping his beer. It was a pattern that I had been noticing, in the few days we had spent together. During which I often asked, does he want me as a friend or a lover? Our time together was always formal, military training having something to do with it I’m sure. And look I am attracted to lost and damaged,  being lost myself, or I was until I found myself. But when you’ve felt lost for so long, it’s easy to go down the wrong road. That’s why I carry a GPS with me, that way I don’t get lost as easily. That’s the idea, but I wish there was a GPS for the heart. Is this a friend or lover I should have? Does anyone say lover anymore? I just hate the word partner. It sounds like a business transaction. Boyfriend. Husband. I might just be a better person single. I just might be, but I won’t know until I try. Yes, trying letting someone in again. To see the damaged and the broken, when I lie in bed alone it all sounds possible, doable. But when he’s lying next to me, holding my hand, I can’t help but wait for the moment when he lets go.  

Intimacy

He napped next to me on the bed, soon his leg rested on my stomach, closer to my penis, an erection followed. Physical intimacy has been hard for me, but it doesn’t take much for me to get excited. I thought maybe he’d be a new friend, but after my first month in this new city, I had second thoughts. It’s the second thoughts I have after, that stop my head from following my heart. 

Heat

The heat here sits somewhere in the middle, comfortably. Running is harder here, rougher terrain, and the heat. It’s not just an exaggeration, it can suffocate you. It’s Friday night, I just cried. I haven’t cried a lot recently, but I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. That’s normal. Nothing for anybody to worry about. I try to tell myself to stop worrying, but for me, I can’t tell myself anything. I have to feel it. I have to sit with it. And sitting with sadness is hard. Change is hard. I’ve been told what I did, what I’m doing, having left all that is familiar is brave. It doesn’t feel brave. It feels a little insane, am I crazy? Mental illness runs in my family.

Leaving

You can stay in the same place and still find ways to leave people. In my new apartment I have a city view of downtown. There are so many people in Austin, and I don’t know any of them. It’s lonely. When I was new to New York, at the age of twenty-two, I was comfortable with loneliness. I had sat with it and befriended it, because I didn’t have any friends. And now I sit at thirty-four, alone, with all my friends fifteen hundred miles away. I use to think I hated people, but I just didn’t know better. It is true what they say, everyone always wants to make a connection. And when you make that connection, it changes you. And it’s hard to change back. 

Desperately Seeking Something...

I seem to be feeling low a lot lately. Just down in the dumps as it were. I don't know if it's the stress from work and the constant worry of screwing something up with one of our big customers or the daunting task of directing a children's production of Seussical Jr., a show that is all music and requires a lot of dancing. A show where multiple characters are on stage at once and all need to do different things. A show that has a lot going on! Or perhaps it's the combination of the two. It's all so overwhelming and I feel a giant stone has been placed on my shoulders. 

The 5K that I had walked last year and partially trained to run this year was this past weekend. I alternated walking and running, beating my time by only four minutes from last year, which bummed me out. I was mad at myself for breaking my running streak and not getting back on it. Hopefully I'll do better next year. 

I have a lot of fun events to look forward to in the next few months. In two weeks I go to Austin, Texas for ATX Festival, a fun event where I'll be able to attend panels on my favorite TV shows including but not limited to, Orange is the New Black, Everwood, Hey Dude, Orphan Black, Parenthood etc, as well as a Friday Night Lights tailgate party. I'll also get to see my best friend Mark and his new digs. I'm excited to embrace him. 

At the beginning of July I will be traveling to Italy with my Mom, friend Carrie Vail, brother Adam, Uncle David, cousin Andrew, my mom's cousin Paula and my brother's friend Taylor. It will be a much needed relaxing vacation where I intend to do as many fun things as possible with a lot of sitting on the beach with a cold drink and a book and a great friend by my side! 

Then in September I will be flying to Hawaii for the Lost 2014 10 year fan reunion event. 

Even with these fun events in the future everything just seems daunting to me. I hope this feeling passes and soon. 

Am I Home Yet?

I finally left New York, after all the talk. The talk that went on inside and outside of my head. It’s been a month, and a few days. I sold my apartment one month ago today, I spent a week with my parents, I drove over fifteen hundred miles, to Austin. To Texas. To a new life. Is that exciting? I don’t know anybody here, but I’ve always been alone so this should be easy. But alone at twenty-two is different then thirty-four, because I found friends that became family, and then I left them, just like we leave family. Can you ever go home again? Where is home?