And Then I Said I Love You

I'm in love.

He might be my best friend.

Saying those three words nearly made my heart stop.

I didn't want to fall in love with him. I tried not to be. I was told to just get over it. We've been through everything together. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I felt guilty and wrong and bad for the feelings that I had. But it's how I felt and I had to allow myself to feel them in order to move on.

I knew deep down he didn't see me the same way. But I had to say it. I had to risk the friendship.

I decided it would have to be done before he went on vacation for a week. This would give us space.

So, on May 20th at roughly two in the morning I said it. I was nervous and jittery and making him nervous. I couldn't sleep. He came out of his room (he's living with me since he lost his job to make things even more complicated).

I said I have something to say and it's not easy for me to say it. He thought maybe I was sick. That maybe I wanted him to move out. That maybe he did something wrong or that I did something wrong. I said none of those were true. You did nothing wrong.

I paused. I then said I understand you, respect you and love you as much as anyone. His sat in the computer chair in his room in his underwear. He was not expecting that.

My voice cracked. I looked up at the ceiling. I wasn't going to cry. I didn't cry.

I said I know you have never thought of me this way. I know that I won't ever have the perfect body or be the most popular.

I then looked at him straight in the eye and said:

But I like you just the way you are.

I paused and then walked back to my room. He jumped up and asked what happens next. I didn't have words left in me. He said he needed time to process this. I said I understood. It took me a long time to figure out just how I felt with everyone telling me how I felt. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He was my best friend. I felt guilty.

But I also told him that I had to say something because if I didn't I would feel like a coward. He said he respected that.

I went to bed.

I couldn't sleep. I cried in my room. I was overwhelmed. I was so afraid, happy, sad, proud -- he didn't sleep either.

We ate pancakes together in the morning. It wasn't so weird. We've texted since. He's pretending like everything is normal. That's okay with me for right now. It's a lot to take in.

But if he never says anything can the friendship survive? He is getting involved (again) with a verbally and physically abusive man. He has issues. We all do. Can I be his friend even if this other man in his life? Can we still live together? We have a friendship with no boundaries. What if there are boundaries now? Can I live with that?

I'm seeing him tonight (or tomorrow) for the first time. I'm nervous. I don't want to be mean or jealous or angry.

I also don't want to be wrestless. And I can honestly say that the week he was gone I was at peace. I felt content and rested and I didn't miss him. Whatever happens, life goes on. I can live without him. I know that now.

And I don't regret saying I love you. I might not get the ending of a Julia Roberts movie. It might make me pathetic in someone's eyes. But for me it allowed me to grow and move on and be brave and be in the moment.

It's so hard to be in the moment. But a week ago I was. I took charge of my life. I did that. No one else.

I have a reason to be proud of myself and I haven't been proud of myself in a really long time.

Tie-Dye & Parade a go-go

Yay...Carrie came for the weekend. It was mad fun yo. Here is what we did.

Friday night. I picked up Carrie from the train station and then we went to my hizzouse. We watched "Alive" which I had seen before many times. Carrie enjoyed it. Craziness what they went through! Then we went to bed I believe. I never can remember what exactly we do. My brain isn't what it used to be.

Saturday morning we awoke and went to Dunkin Donuts for some coffee and bagels. Then we headed over to Custom Design to set up for the tie-dye shirt making. My dad and I spray painted and glitterized the forks/spoons and knives before the kidlings arrived. Then Vickie, Lexie G and Miranda came. They helped us finish the set up. Allegra, Vivian, Lauren, Stephanie, Shannon, Lexie L, Abbey, Meghan, Nicole, Adeline, Clara, Chayton, Nicholas, Daniel, Jillian, Chris C, Megan M, Chelsea, and more came. Let me just say that tie-dying - NOT MY THING. HA. I am not good at it at all. Some of the kids made amazing shirts and others came out great as well. Mine looks like i just squirted ink onto it. But i like it cuz the kids signed the back of it. Needless to say all the kids and myself were covered with tie-dye on our hands (and for Chayton, on his feet!)

When that ended Carrie and I walked Gracie and then went to eat at Kon in EG where we sat at the hibatchi grill table and the chef put way too much pepper in our food. it was good though. Then we went to the movies and did a double feature - 'Dance Flick', eh was funny at parts but overall pretty dumb, and 'Night at the Museum 2' which was great. I loved it and would totally see it again. Amy Adams - I<3you. Then we went to my house where carrie spent a while on the computer while i caught up on my tv, watched criminal minds (the episode from the 13th) and the two hour Ugly Betty finale. That show and the color orange need to break up. Carrie went to bed before I finished watching but when I was done i went to bed too.

Sunday we woke up late and then went shopping. We went to Kohl's where I bought the most comfortable flip flops made in the history of flip flops! Also bought some cute shirts and jeans. Damn you Kohl's for stealing my money! Then we went to Target where I bought parade candy and bubbles. Target stole all of carrie's money and we left. I dropped off costumes to a parent so she could bring them to the parade the next day for me and then Carrie and I went home. We tie-dyed the shirts I forgot to tie-dye for the kids and then while I worked on cutting string for the forks/spoons/knives we watched the special features of "Alive." then we went to bed.

Monday morning we woke up earlyyyyyy 7am BOO! and got ready for the parade. We went to hOney dew for some breakfast where i saw shane's mom and then the albins, Debbie and her kids Tori and Kayla.

Then we headed to Wilson park for the parade. We got the kids in their costumes (THANKS ALL WHO HELPED OUT!) and got them on the float. We were moved to the front of the parade! WOW. and then we were off. The music shut off a few times cuz of the generator and the power invertor but we fixed it in a jiff and it was fine. It was a lot of fun! At the end of the parade Carrie put on the song 'Don't Stop Believin' from 'Glee' and all the kids flipppped out! so excited. So we jammed out to that song twice and then the parade was over.

After we left we dropped off the costumes to Ann O'Grady and then went to Del's to get some lunch and their delicious lemonade. Then we went to my house and watched the season finale of Criminal Minds with Gallant. Then I drove Carrie to the train and said goodbye :( I then traveled to my aunt's house and had some food.

The. End.

I found the Love of my Life

May 15, 2009. Took the high speed train to Georgia..erm...I mean New York/Penn. Poor Gracie, she came to see me off...and while her and my mom and I sat patiently waiting for my train, the Acela train sped past at over 150mph, Gracie freaked out and cowered between her two favorite people. Poor lil munchkin lou! Then she calmed down and my train arrived. I got on and sat with some girl. I slept for most of the trip (THANK GOD!) and then arrived at Penn. Immediately getting off the train I walked up a staircase...and found myself in a random part of Penn Station. I was lost. Oh boy! So I called Carrie and she found me! YAY.

We went straight to her apartment and after I read an article about Jon & Kate Gosselin we went to bed.

May 16, 2009. Took the subway to the city, I got money and we met Leah at the Rock of Ages theater to try the lotto for tickets to the 2:00pm performance. Carrie got called second, YAYAYAYAYAY. And seeing as we won and didn't need any more tickets, Leah left. (Thanks Leah for coming to help us win!). The way the ROA lotto works, is the first two people called get front row seats, everyone else gets whatever seats are given. So both Carrie and myself were super psyched for getting front row. HOLLA.

Let me just tell you that people are morons! Seriously, idiots! DUMB, STUPID! The lady doing the lotto had told everyone that after their name is called to line up. You would think that was pretty easy right? Apparently it wasn't. As people joined the line, behind the first person and Carrie and it got to the end people started lining up like next to carrie, as if the line went into THE STREET instead of down the sidewalk. And they were like 'well it doesn't matter what order you're in' I wanted to be like 'umm, yes it does you fucking idiot, you're supposed to line up in the order your name is called!' but i didn't. And there was this old lady, let's call her Erma. She randomly appeared out of nowhere as the woman was saying she has one ticket left for the lotto and all the groups were saying they didn't want it because they were in a group (but they kept standing there like tickets were going to appear from the woman's earlobe). So Erma, is standing there and says to me 'I would love to go but I only have $20.00.' I tell her 'I have no money.' Because clearly she was asking me. And then she tells THE LADY RUNNING THE LOTTO the same thing. The lady quite rightly says 'did you put your name into the pile?' and Erma says 'no, I just got here.' Weirdo.

So anyways, after Carrie the Awesome got her tickets we moseyed our way to Cosi, the best little lunch place ever. I had my usual, a tuna melt. It was as delicious as I remembered. As we left I reminisced about when I met Kristin Chenoweth in that same place a few years back. Oh the mems. We went to the theater and took our seats. MAN were we close! Check out our view!:

I was a tad nervous because I don't like being called on to do things or being talked to - basically to be put on the spot, and this seemed like the kind of show to do just that. (luckily it didn't happen...although I wouldn't have minded if a certain someone had randomly made out with me! ;) hehe). So back to the story. The show was rock'n! I loved it...so much fun. Constantine Maroulis was in it, he was really good although I'm not normally a fan of his. But I give him mad props yo. Amy Spanger was out, does she ever actually perform in the shows? So we saw her u/s Savannah White. She was very good. The guy who played Franz (Wesley) was fantastic! SOOO funny. "I'm not gay, I'm just german!" HA! The Narrator / Lonny was hysterical, and as Carrie told me beforehand, looks, sounds and makes the same facial expressions as Jack Black. He was great.

Now, here is where I first laid eyes on the new love of my life. His name is James Carpinello and he is one hunka hunka burnin' love baby! He played Stacee Jaxx, the stereotypical lead singer of a rock band wantint to make it big on his own. I swooned over him the entire show. Wow. Now, the one sinkin' clincher here is...he's married. :( And of course - you know...ON BROADWAY and impossible for me even if he wasn't married. But a girl can fantasize right! I stage doored the show after, to have them all sign my 'save your strip' paper that i caught in the show. Here are a couple of things:

1. Savannah White looks a lot different in person than she does on stage and wears these kind of 'Frenchie from Grease' glasses, she is adorable.
2. Angel signs her name with a halo over the 'A'. Cute.
3. Constantine Maroulis has no personality and when asked for a picture with him he said yes but walked away. Weirdo.
4. I fell even more in love with James Carpinello when meeting him and looking into his gorgeous entrancing beautiful eyes.

So anyhoo...not realizing that Carrie had her camera (and the fact that she wasn't near me and I didn't want to scream to her) I didn't ask for a pic with that hottie. So we left and headed over to Carrie's aunt's house. We ate a delicious meal (Thanks Auntie Ann!) and watched the three hour Lost finale. Second time around, even better than the first, which is saying a lot!

After Lost we headed on back to the deluxe apartment that Carrie lives in with Corinne and Nuwani. We watched SNL and went to sleep.

May 17, 2009. Slept in and then took the subway into the city. We went to Cari's apartment so I could leave my bag there whilst Carrie and I became secret agents throughout the day. Cari's roommate Ashley let us in and we chilled for a bit before we pulled a funny (to us, not to Cari) joke on Cari and then we left in a hurry before we were murdered in our sleep (sorry Cari!). Carrie and I (after saying see ya lata to Ashley) put on our camouflage outfits and slinked to an undisclosed location to do a little celeb stalking. We had no luck for the first part but then went to Rock of Ages stage door so I could get a picture with my dream man...HERE IT IS:

Isn't he Gorgeous??? YES!! I could stare into his eyes forever. and ever. Why can't he be my neighbor who always needs something and appearing at my doorstep?! Is that too much to ask for?

So after getting that gem of a picture Carrie and I headed on back to Cari & Ashley's apartment and watched Jeapardy with them and then the season finale of Bones. We chilled for a bit and then I left my bag down with the doorman and then Carrie and I resumed our roles as super secret Sydney Bristow like spies. This time it paid off (more for her than for me). We saw Anna ... from Fringe (who plays Det. Olivia Dunham) and Mark Valley (also from Fringe, but I know him as Jack Devereaux from Days of our Lives). Then we saw Jane Lynch who I know but can't place what she's been in...but she is in the upcoming awesome show "Glee". And we also saw the voice of many of the voices of The Family Guy (Stewie and Peter Griffin to name two) walk across the street. Awesome. Then I hadda leave so we got my bag and headed to the train.

On the sidewalk, we ran into Shoshana Feinstein! YAY SHOSHANA! Glad I got to see her even if it were only for a couple of minutes.

Great weekend! Can't wait for Carrie to come up this weekend. :D

I am a distraction

So Rehearsals have been going on for about three weeks now. They are going pretty well, except for some rehearsals when people don't listen to me, and then I feel sad and an emotional wreck! And that's when I get all down on myself and lose my confidence. But that only happens once in a while, thank God.

Just recently I was interviewed for an article for The Villager, a local magazine that comes out once a month. I'm excited. I don't know if I did very well in the interview, I'm not very good at thinking up things on the spot; maybe my goal to be on Ellen should be extinguished. I hope that she got some good quotes from me and that I didn't come off as a complete idiot who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. I'm scared and excited to read the article. I took a picture for the article of the kids, the leads and the forks/spoons/knives. It came out great. The little kids who are the forks/spoons and knives are adorable! The costumes we made at Custom Design are perfect. I am going to spray paint them a chrome color and sprinkle glitter on them. So they can sparkle! We are going to be in the Memorial Day Parade on May 25th. So excited. Carrie's coming to visit that weekend and will help me with the music on the float cuz she rocks that way. I hope she will help me spray paint / glitterize the forks spoons and knives on Saturday. It'll be fun Carrie! We can rock out to awesome music!

So I love most of the kids, but some of them (mainly one) annoys the crap outta me. She hasn't been to rehearsal in a while, so I'm hoping she has quit because I sent an email to her mother. I have become really close to one of the girls - Lexie who is my Daisy cast Belle...she was in the shows in previous years in the ensemble and we didn't start talking till last year when she was in my Bewitching Hour show. Oh me and my favorites. I must try not to have them. It's going to be sad at the last show on Sunday because of all the 8th graders graduating.

Anyhoo...I'm excited for the show. :)