I choose love.

She was my grandmother - though we've been estranged for five years. She died last Sunday. Her funeral was this week. It brought together a family that is estranged. It was intense and sad and unfair. She was survived by my grandfather, who has to use a wheel chair most of the time now. He has Parkinson's . My brother collapsed into my grandfather's arms overcome with grief at the wake. My sister was overcome with grief at the funeral. My mother was able to keep it together for what it was, but as I said, she was estranged from her mother for five years. It was my grandmother's choice. She was a bitter, lonely, sad, vicious, jealous person. She use to attend her friends wakes only to criticize and gossip about the people that came to say their goodbyes to the person who passed. She loved to watch soap operas and whenever she could, she liked to recreate that same drama in her own life. She loved being sick and having to go to the hospital. She liked the attention. But as my mother said goodbye to her in the hosptial for the last time, my mother thought 'God, mom I bet you'd rather be some place else now.' It was hard for me to just be at that funeral. I felt so much disappointment and anger at my grandmother. I wasn't sad she had died. I was sad for my mom. So, I went for my mom. Because my grandmother died in my reality five years ago. It was hard to see my grandfather's eyes with tears in them, like a cup of water that was filled up too much and about to overflow. My grandparents had four children - two of them were my mom's younger sisters. They are their mother's daughters, especially the youngest. They were spiteful and hateful and liars and fuck-ups. They were jealous. But it was my grandmother who tore her own family apart. Her two daughters (my aunts) just followed her example. My aunts (and their husbands) came and apologized. They were suddenly ready to ask for forgiveness after years of manipulation and lies. It was hard to take. It didn't mean so much. I loved them for a long time. I hated them for a long time. But on this day I felt nothing for them. They felt like strangers. I was able to say hello and hug them. I felt pity for them. They really have so few people in their life. I really do believe they miss my mom and our family, but they hurt my mom (and my uncle) to the point of no return. Sorry is a nice sentiment and forgiveness is key, but to forget is entirely different. Maybe if one could understand where they could be coming from, but I already know where they come from. They come from a place of greed. They chose money over love. I choose love.

Eat Pray Love

Watch this video above. Then see the movie of the summer. It's so good.

Julia Roberts is an actress of tremendous depth and warmth. She's the greatest living movie star. It's one of her finest performances.

I am a Sentimental Woman

I have always been sentimental when it came to gifts given to me by the important people in my life. I remember when I was 16 I was really close with one of the girls my mom acted with -- Lisa Marie. I looked up to her and we had a great friendship. She was about maybe four years older than me (maybe a little more), age isn't really important when it comes to who you connect with. She once gave me a stuffed penguin with a yellow raincoat and rainhat on. I loved Lisa so I loved this penguin as it represented our friendship. I named said penguin ASIL (Lisa spelled backwards) because that is just the kind of person I am. I still have Asil to this day; 13 years later. Lisa and I lost touch for a while and recently connected again via Facebook. She now lives outside of RI and has a beautiful litle girl Melia. I miss her terribly.

Last year I went to California to visit my cousins in Temecula (an hour north of San Diego) and had a wonderful time. I have spent a lot of time with these cousins throughout my life, spent a week there when Debbie's son Anthony was born (14 years ago) and then two weeks there when Anthony was 6, Johnny was 3 and Eli was 1. They are amazing people...all of them and I love them with all my heart. So this last visit (Anthony 13, Johnny 11 and Eli 9) we went to the San Diego Zoo. While there I wanted to buy an elephant statue (I collect elephants from everywhere I go). Debbie bought one for me, a little grey statue. So cute. He is my favorite of the elephant statues. He isn't the biggest or the most detailed but he is my favorite because he was given to me by Debbie. I named him Radje -- using the first letter of my family's name (Rick, Anthony, Debbie, Johnny and Elijah).

This past weekend I had my friends Elle and Carrie over my house for a fun filled weekend. (we need to keep this streak on! every weekend girls!) When I picked Carrie up on Saturday she gave me a pink stuffed elephant with hearts on her ears, whom she named Stana. Carrie and I have the same love (and collection) for elephants and for her to think of me (because I had told her a few weeks ago that I didn't have a stuffed elephant) meant so much to me! My heart just melted. Stana is now my most prized stuffed animal (right alongside Asil) and will always mean the world to me.

Also this weekend the three of us made a music video to Kate Nash's song 'Kiss That Grrrl' for a contest the singer was holding. We had so much fun making it on my dad's boat (not so much fun editing it) and amazing times watching it that - that video will forever be a memento of our amazing friendship. I can see years from now looking back on that video as one of our many extraordinary adventures and I will always smile. I am such a sap, but I love it. :)

The drama program I run with the kids in NK, I receive flowers from the kids/parents each year after the show wraps. I love the flowers but what I love the most are the notes and handmade gifts I receive from the kids. To me, those mean so much more than flowers. I have kept each and every little thing those kids have made for me, or given me. I sometimes look at them and my eyes well up with happiness.

So yes my friends and our readers. I (Lindsay Dias) am a VERY sentimental woman.