I choose love.

She was my grandmother - though we've been estranged for five years. She died last Sunday. Her funeral was this week. It brought together a family that is estranged. It was intense and sad and unfair. She was survived by my grandfather, who has to use a wheel chair most of the time now. He has Parkinson's . My brother collapsed into my grandfather's arms overcome with grief at the wake. My sister was overcome with grief at the funeral. My mother was able to keep it together for what it was, but as I said, she was estranged from her mother for five years. It was my grandmother's choice. She was a bitter, lonely, sad, vicious, jealous person. She use to attend her friends wakes only to criticize and gossip about the people that came to say their goodbyes to the person who passed. She loved to watch soap operas and whenever she could, she liked to recreate that same drama in her own life. She loved being sick and having to go to the hospital. She liked the attention. But as my mother said goodbye to her in the hosptial for the last time, my mother thought 'God, mom I bet you'd rather be some place else now.' It was hard for me to just be at that funeral. I felt so much disappointment and anger at my grandmother. I wasn't sad she had died. I was sad for my mom. So, I went for my mom. Because my grandmother died in my reality five years ago. It was hard to see my grandfather's eyes with tears in them, like a cup of water that was filled up too much and about to overflow. My grandparents had four children - two of them were my mom's younger sisters. They are their mother's daughters, especially the youngest. They were spiteful and hateful and liars and fuck-ups. They were jealous. But it was my grandmother who tore her own family apart. Her two daughters (my aunts) just followed her example. My aunts (and their husbands) came and apologized. They were suddenly ready to ask for forgiveness after years of manipulation and lies. It was hard to take. It didn't mean so much. I loved them for a long time. I hated them for a long time. But on this day I felt nothing for them. They felt like strangers. I was able to say hello and hug them. I felt pity for them. They really have so few people in their life. I really do believe they miss my mom and our family, but they hurt my mom (and my uncle) to the point of no return. Sorry is a nice sentiment and forgiveness is key, but to forget is entirely different. Maybe if one could understand where they could be coming from, but I already know where they come from. They come from a place of greed. They chose money over love. I choose love.