So, I got a job. Not the one I was waiting for since the beginning of
the summer, but one that came to me in the span of a week. I wanted it
so bad and I got it. It was a big deal for me and my career. I sort of
have been making a career for myself for almost two years now. And now I
finish the first day of my second week and I feel like everything I've
been working towards over the last year and a half was for nothing. I
had a goal, a path, it felt good. And I got what I wanted in this moment
for the first time and it's turning out to be the opposite of what I
need. I feel so overwhelmed and anxiety ridden at the start of every
morning. And sometimes before I sleep, panic sets in, as I'm looked at
as not good enough. Too slow, not smart. Not enough. Will I ever be
enough? It's not about getting quicker with the production of making
pastry in a commercial kitchen. I know in time I would get quicker, but
no one seems to want to give me that time. But worst of all, I am ready
to run. It's what I do best. Because this industry offers no vacations,
health care, breaks of any kind. Where is my break? After a college
education there has to be more then this. I thought this was enough, but
it isn't. I need more. And telling my parents that I don't think
anything I've been working towards is working for me anymore brought
tears to my eyes. As I sat in a park, about to head into a job that
doesn't feel right. When I will feel right? Where do I go from here?
Where is here? So many questions, and they sting like the sweat that
comes from my brow and gets into my eyes during a long run on a summer
day. It's not summer anymore and I'm not twenty-three. As Winona Ryder
in "Reality Bites" said herself, I really thought I was going to be
something by the age of the twenty-three. I'm not twenty-three. Not even
close. I don't want to be, but I want to be something.
