Another One Bites the Dust

Remember when I told you he still liked me? I was wrong. We were sitting in his car on the fourth of the July after spending all day together. It was two thirty in the morning. I went to kiss him, and he turned his cheek. I asked him, “you don’t want to kiss me?” and he shrugged his shoulders and said, “I think just friends. I think friends is best.” I paused, and thought of course, the signs were there. But there were mixed signals. It wasn’t just my infatuation for a summer romance. I guess I was suppose to ask him why, but it felt desperate and inconsequential. He just wasn’t into me. Anything he said, I wouldn’t believe. I would believe something even worse, and does anyone tell you the truth? The truth is as I sit here with a heavy heart, he is relieved, happy, it’s probably the best he’s felt in two months. He doesn’t have to spend anymore time with me, see me ever again, even though he still owes me three hundred and sixty dollars. Yes, I really did lend someone five hundred dollars that I knew for a month and a half. But I don’t regret it, I was happy to help, it’s who I am. I helped make his first show happen. And maybe years from now, even though he told me once that he never looks back, he will be reminded of me in some way, and appreciate my kindness and generosity. Because I am, kind and generous. I have to believe that. 

Sex Or Not

We haven’t had sex yet, but he’ll put his arm around me and kiss me in public. Every friend I’m introduced to knows my name, my story. He told me he liked me two weeks into dating. I never had a guy do that to me before. He is a gentlemen, and this is turning into a perfect summer romance. But we haven’t had sex yet, he is old fashioned. He once went nearly a year without sex. He says he sometimes puts those he likes on a pedestal and the sex can knock them down. Is he talking about me? He said sex can sometimes, most of the time, taint that perfect feeling of love. It can create lust and jealously. I didn’t disagree, my only argument was simple : but sex is good. I thought this was all a sweet way of telling me he knows I am must be frustrated. When I told him once he could spend the night, he then started inviting me to spend the night. Everything else between us worked, so why not be patient? It could make it all better. I mean, we see each other three times a week now. He must still like me.

The rush of not breathing

Seussical Jr. is over. The show went up two weeks ago. I had feared it, dreaded it, thought for sure it would be terrible. But it wasn't...it went so incredibly well! Afterwards I had so many people come up to me and compliment me on a job well done. Nobody could believe how fantastic it was. I had a conversation with the Godparents of one of my kids Emilia...who played JoJo on Sunday. They said they had recently seen another children's production, which was torture to sit through and as they drove up from Manhattan to see Emi in Seussical they dreaded sitting through another show but they were floored, they shook my hand and congratulated me saying "It was AMAZING!" I went to Stop & Shop to get the flowers for my 8th graders and the florist said to me "Oh, Seussical! I have had a lot of people coming in for flowers for that show, they said it was incredible." 

I have never had the reaction after a show as I got from Seussical. Yes, everyone is always saying how great the shows are, and how much they loved them, and with each passing year it gets better and better. But this was a whole other level. I was so proud of all of my kids. They definitely pulled it together and it all turned out incredible. 

The day following the performance I hopped on a plane with family and friends to Italy. It was a much needed two week vacation. I sat on the beach, I ate a lot of gelato, walked up a number of stairs, basked in the glow of the gorgeous Mediterranean. It was a magical trip. We spent one night in Naples before traveling by boat to an island off of Naples, Ischia. It was beautiful, and our hotel suite that Carrie and I were in had a loft and it overlooked the Mediterranean. Breathtaking. We stayed there four nights, eating delicious food and spending quality time with each other. 

Following Ischia we made our way to Positano, where we had rented a villa for seven nights. WOW! The villa was incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three floors, again overlooking the Mediterranean. A beautiful terrace on the first floor and the third. It was so nice to relax. So nice to spend time with my friend Carrie, who I never get to see since her move to DC. 

The best part of my trip was a trip to the Thermal Spa Poseidon in Ischia. I can't even describe in words how beautiful this place was. It was an outdoor spa basically, pools of varying degrees of thermal waters, which were naturally pooled into the basins from the center of the mountain. Starting off at a cooler temperature until you reach 40 degrees Celsius (which I believe is around 80 degrees Fahrenheit).  The hot pools were alongside an ice cold pool...from 40 celsius to 15 celsius (80 fahrenheit to 45 fahrenheit I believe. Going from the hot to the extreme cold was an incredible feeling. You step into the cold and you feel it immediately, the nerves under your skin tingle and as you immerse yourself fully into the water the coldness constricts your breathing and your lungs. It's difficult to take a breath. But it's invigorating, and it leaves you with this amazing feeling. You only stay in the cold for at the most 30 seconds, and that's all you need. It's a rush. And it's addicting. 

Oh and also...we met Denzel Washington. 

I Like Him

He is a director, putting on his first show this summer on his own. He asked me to bake pies for it, things had been going well. I guess he still liked me. Why would he not ask me if he didn’t like me? But when I asked if he needed help setting up and he said yes, and then he asked at midnight that night if he could borrow four hundred dollars I got nervous. I had lent money to a friend, who was a heroin addict and used me for that reason, the high that she needed. I lent money to a man I loved, and he never paid me back. I had made a promise to never do that again. But standing infront of me, he wasn’t either of those people. We had known each other not even two months, but I knew he was a good man. An honest man, I could tell you that. And he paid me a little back (sometimes a little can go a long way). And he still likes me. And I still like him.

Brother

My brother texted me to invite me to his home for Christmas. He is almost five years older then me, and we never got a long. We fought a lot as kids and teenagers, and then mellowed out and I thought, in our twenties, might have connected. And that connection passed and to this day we remain strangers. I have love for him and wish him well, but after spending twenty-something years pretending to be straight, I can’t pretend anymore in my life. My inability to fake it, might be a product of my single-hood. But my brother and I, it’s not a good fit. And there’s a sadness and a feeling of, how am I responsible for this relationship? We make decisions every day as adults and it’s complicated, but when my dad was sick and I was left alone to deal with my broken family something crossed over in me. My brother had a lack of empathy that changed the way I saw him. He had his reasons, and I heard them and disagreed. It doesn’t make me right or him wrong, wouldn’t that be easy if that were the case? We didn’t then become estranged, we’re not estranged. But our conversations are short and stay above the surface. If we went deeper we might come to an understanding, but we also might drown. And my broken family can’t take another hit.

Green stained shorts

And then I met someone’s hand I didn’t want to let go. We met for lunch, in the morning, before eleven. He’s a teacher and this is his break. And I’ve been on a break for thirty-four years, so I agreed to the time. I was kind of excited, but he was always so busy. His scheduled overwhelmed me. I purposefully wore shorts, to show off my legs (I run a lot). I arrived first. He came shortly after, from behind. And I decided walking in to the restaurant, I wouldn’t try to hide the green stained cut off jean shorts I decided to wear. I didn’t think they would be stained. I didn’t even understand where the green stain came from. I still don’t. I also didn’t try to be funny or serious or any variation of what I once thought you were suppose to try to be when meeting someone new -  whether it be romantic or not. And to be fair, I really did stop doing that around thirty. But he was even more attractive in person. I figured I would never see him again, but before I even got home he had texted me to tell me he thought I was cute. I didn’t know I could still be cute at thirty-four. I think the green stained shorts had something to do with it. When I washed them later that week, the stain came out. 

Post Traumatic Stress

Post Traumatic Stress. I have it, don’t we all? The stress of the day, the trauma of the past, and the future. His friends died in Iraq. If I had friends die in a war, I might drink too. He kissed me, violently, with a little bit of a bite. He expressed his true feelings, after dropping his beer. It was a pattern that I had been noticing, in the few days we had spent together. During which I often asked, does he want me as a friend or a lover? Our time together was always formal, military training having something to do with it I’m sure. And look I am attracted to lost and damaged,  being lost myself, or I was until I found myself. But when you’ve felt lost for so long, it’s easy to go down the wrong road. That’s why I carry a GPS with me, that way I don’t get lost as easily. That’s the idea, but I wish there was a GPS for the heart. Is this a friend or lover I should have? Does anyone say lover anymore? I just hate the word partner. It sounds like a business transaction. Boyfriend. Husband. I might just be a better person single. I just might be, but I won’t know until I try. Yes, trying letting someone in again. To see the damaged and the broken, when I lie in bed alone it all sounds possible, doable. But when he’s lying next to me, holding my hand, I can’t help but wait for the moment when he lets go.  

Intimacy

He napped next to me on the bed, soon his leg rested on my stomach, closer to my penis, an erection followed. Physical intimacy has been hard for me, but it doesn’t take much for me to get excited. I thought maybe he’d be a new friend, but after my first month in this new city, I had second thoughts. It’s the second thoughts I have after, that stop my head from following my heart. 

Heat

The heat here sits somewhere in the middle, comfortably. Running is harder here, rougher terrain, and the heat. It’s not just an exaggeration, it can suffocate you. It’s Friday night, I just cried. I haven’t cried a lot recently, but I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. That’s normal. Nothing for anybody to worry about. I try to tell myself to stop worrying, but for me, I can’t tell myself anything. I have to feel it. I have to sit with it. And sitting with sadness is hard. Change is hard. I’ve been told what I did, what I’m doing, having left all that is familiar is brave. It doesn’t feel brave. It feels a little insane, am I crazy? Mental illness runs in my family.