To Be Me

There’s a scratch above my forehead, that bled slightly. It will heal in a day or two, how did it happen? I do not know. But maybe the wound will stay open long enough for real change to occur. Most moments in life pass and you don’t realize that this was a moment. This is it. Someone’s probably said that before, but as I sit here typing, my legs shaking, I know this moment right now, will change my life. I said I wanted to change, because whether you like it or not change happens. And maybe if I say it, I will have control over it. I am torn between my heart and head, and I still don’t know which will win over. 

I wake up every morning at peace, for about a minute nothing worries me. There is a bit of light that seeps through my curtains and hits my ceiling. I sometimes hear a honking, commuters on their way to someplace.  Where am I on my way too?

I slept last night, thanks to some cold medicine, and now almost feel brand new. Everything is new lately, with my move. I haven’t moved, but it’s all I can talk about. Is there anything else to talk about? Everyone wants something brand new. When something is new, it’s usually in perfect condition. It’s shiny, representing a fresh start. As adults, we are broken, from the reality of what life is. And just starting seems overwhelming, for as adults, we are usually somewhere in the middle. The middle of success, failure, fatigue. 

I am actually writing a lot, the most I have in a really long time. It’s why I came to New York, and now I’m leaving, having not accomplished anything I set out too. That might always be an open wound for me. Maybe that’s why I am writing? To prove that I still can. I couldn’t ever say I was a writer, because I was never published. But I write, in the dark, trying to locate that area that lives, somewhere between my heart and my head. And the war that goes on between the two, everyday, in an attempt to be me.

It's In The Kiss

I’ve been on three dates, and from a gay mobile application. That’s not suppose to bring you dates. I am leaving in six weeks. I should not be dating, but as I leave, I find myself with the opportunity to date. When I was here, feet firmly planted, dating seemed obsolete. It was sex, or nothing. Not my choice, but just what the city dictates. My romance in New York was more with the city, then any man. And now there is a man, and it seems cruel. But he kisses me, and my stomach flips.. This is when I run, but I finished my marathon last November and my legs are tired.

His apartment in the village is just three hundred square feet. His bed sits just a foot or so away from where the kitchen is, and above his bed, is a homemade closet. The exposed brick is painted white. A sectional couch, which he loves, because at six-foot-two he can stretch out without hesitation, takes up almost the entirety of the living area. There are pictures of his life, scattered everywhere. It’s been his home for twelve years, and it feels like a home. I feel closer to him, being there, even without asking questions. A home is really an extension of the person, whether it’s decorated or not. I told him I was leaving, I asked if he would come visit me. He said he would, but for the first time, things are moving slowly, at the pace that I’m good for. But I don’t have time for slow, I have a month left. I stopped trying to create a memory, and just started being. He kissed me before I left, and I let my head fall into his chest and hugged him. 

We met up again, more than a week later, when the cold invited itself back into our lives. He didn’t kiss me back when I said hello, and at the end of the night, we stood on his stoop and he told me he liked me. But obviously, this couldn’t go further. It wouldn’t be smart. That’s what he said, and my left brain agreed with him. But my right brain said something else. I told him I liked him too, we made a promise to see each other before I go. He said he’d visit me, but then made a list of all the things he had to before he could make that visit. It was a long list. I felt like maybe it was his excuse, maybe he didn’t like me. But we saw each other for a month, so he must of. People just don’t like me back that often, and even less often do I like them. So the bad stuff is easier to believe. I never heard from him again after that night.

The Middle

I slept last night, thanks to some cold medicine, and now almost feel brand new. Everything is new lately, with my move. I haven’t moved, but it’s all I can talk about. Is there anything else to talk about? Everyone wants something brand new. When something is new, it’s usually in perfect condition. It’s shiny, representing a fresh start. As adults, we are broken, from the reality of what life is. And just starting seems overwhelming, for as adults, we are usually somewhere in the middle. The middle of success, failure, fatigue. 

Untethered

All my life I’ve been tethered to something, a family, a home, a city, a dream. As I move away from New York, for the first time in my life I am completely untethered. And I am scared, but also relieved. In the years when it was difficult to find a friend, I reveled in my anonymity. I enjoyed my anonymity because with it came the possibility of reinvention, for the first time in my life I don’t want to reinvent myself. I like who I am. Imagine that.

Storage

I cleaned out my storage locker yesterday. I found a trunk given to me when I graduated high school, almost sixteen years ago. In it, was my life from eighteen to twenty-four. I packed everything I wanted to remember in it, when I moved from my first apartment in New York to my current one, where I’ve now lived a decade. I’m moving. Did I tell you that? And so, now I sit on this cold, cement floor, in the middle of winter, sitting with my thoughts, goals and failures that I had or have.

Jazz

I forgot what a good kiss was. I am always looking back, so you would think I would find the time to remember. But, I haven’t had many. And then on Thursday, a kiss, that excited me. It made me want to have sex. But before the sex, it started with a dance. He played jazz, some Latin salsa. He took me by the arm and we danced in his living room. It’s the first time I ever danced with someone, like that. I have two right feet, so finding my rhythm took a few minutes. But I found it, he thought I was playing him at first. But then he looked into my blue eyes, and realized I am not a player. But he was, I never heard from him again after that night.

A Harry Potter Celebration

A Celebration of Harry Potter

Universal Studios / 

Islands of Adventure

January 24-26 2014

Cast that attended:
Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom)
James Phelps (Fred Weasley)
Oliver Phelps (George Weasley)
Mark Williams (Arthur Weasley)
Devon Murray (Seamus Finnigan)
Evanna Lynch (Luna Lovegood)

After a night of unrest, the excitement of the weekend ahead, Ben and I headed to Universal Studios to begin our Harry Potter fun. We had to wait in a long line to gather our VIP package, including the park tickets, our Special Guest badges and some super awesome souvenirs and then we headed into the park and immediately purchased our Wizard Robes. Ben bought his Gryffindor robe and I bought my Slytherin robe. 

We were set to go to Hogwarts. We arrived in Hogsmeade and headed to the Three Broomsticks for our breakfast reservation. They were serving warm butterbeer for the breakfast meal (one free breakfast and free butterbeer). It was delicious. A warm butterscotch deliciousness filled our mouths. We both had the pancake breakfast. Following breakfast we went on the Flight of the Hippogriff ride followed by the Forbidden Journey in Hogwarts. Then we journeyed to Universal Studios park and went on Men in Black, Twister and E.T. We walked around a bit, through the Simpsons section. 

We headed back to Islands of Adventure and I convinced Ben to go on the Hulk rollercoaster, which was his first rollercoaster ever. He did great, although he didn't open his eyes very much. :) 

We ate lunch at the Three Broomsticks again, he had the fish & chips and I had the Shepard's pie. Delicious. After lunch/dinner we explored the parks some more and bought scarves to match our robes, as it was getting cold and we were going to be outside for the film tribute later. 

The film tribute was great. It was held at an outdoor stage area in Universal Studios. The moderator introduced the cast and showed a short tribute of the memorable moments from the 8 films. I'm not going to lie - there were tears in my eyes. Then the moderator asked the cast questions based on clips shown of their specific characters. This was about the time when I fully realized my crush on James Phelps. Which I guess that would mean I also have a crush on Oliver as well, but more so on James. 

What did we learn from this:
               1. If Oliver had to choose a patronus for himself it would be of a Panda Bear
               2. Evanna Lynch is a huge fan of Harry Potter, and was even before she was cast
              3. Mark Williams is awesome.
              4. Kazu, the illustrator of the books that were just re-released with the new covers had been in some sort of accident where he was in a coma for a while and when he came out of it he had lost his short term memory. He had to re-teach himself how to draw, talk and walk again. This was before he re-designed and illustrated the new books, which are incredible!
              
Saturday we slept in a bit and then headed back to the parks. We went to the Toon Lagoon amphitheater for the 10am Q&A with the cast. It was a lot of fun. So many kids asked some great questions (which of course I don't remember anymore lol). One little boy, who was 10 asked if they had any advice for him because he wants to get into acting. He was ADORABLE. 

The Q&A lasted about 45 minutes. Then we headed to lunch and back to universal studios to check out the Expo. The Expo was awesome! We got some free post cards and posters, signed the "What Harry Potter means to me" wall, saw some amazing prints from an artist that worked on the films, saw a replica of Gringotts from what they're building in Diagon Alley park. Ben & I took an epic 'wand duel' pic in there. We took a pic in front of a banner of the blue car flying. 

We walked around a bit more, saw a sneak peek of the new park (the London side of Diagon Alley) 

Then we headed back to Islands of Adventure for the Master Wand Class with the Choreographer: Wand Combat Paul Harris with special guest star Mark Williams (Arthur Weasley). That was GREAT! We learned how to properly use the wand in four different movements with their corresponding wand blocks. They had audience members come up to try and then had a wand battle...which was hilarious.

After the wand class we went back to the expo and waited in the line to get sorted into our houses by the sorting hat. Ben got Gryffindor and I got Slytherin (which it was obviously fixed by the woman pressing the button haha) but still so cool and a lot of fun.

Now, the private evening event was saturday night, which Ben and I were super excited about. And were hoping for a meet & greet, because if there was ever going to be one, it would be at the private evening event, which only those of us who had the special passes were able to go to. So after being basically herded like cattle to walk from the marvel section of the park to the wizarding world of harry potter we made it into hogsmeade. Ben and I grabbed a beer and then some delicious food. We were told by someone who works there that Ben knows to go to the stage area for something special. (We thought it was a meet & greet). But then all that happened was the cast came on the stage and stood there for thirty seconds while we all took pictures of them. And then they left. It was so awkward and VERY disappointing. I was happy Ben and I were right up front so we got some good pictures, but we were floored that we spent all this money on these special tickets and didn't even get to meet anybody.

L to R: Matthew Lewis (Neville), James Phelps (Fred), Oliver Phelps (George), Devon Murray (Seamus),
Evanna Lynch (Luna), Mark Williams (Mr. Weasley)

So we hung around with our new friends for the remainder of the party, eating yummy food, drinking delicious butterbeer (all free), and chatting up. If it weren't for meeting so many amazing people and seeing the stars up close I would have been even more disappointed.

All in all though, I had the best time ever. I'm glad I went and experienced the magic. It's my favorite place on earth. :)