Leaving

You can stay in the same place and still find ways to leave people. In my new apartment I have a city view of downtown. There are so many people in Austin, and I don’t know any of them. It’s lonely. When I was new to New York, at the age of twenty-two, I was comfortable with loneliness. I had sat with it and befriended it, because I didn’t have any friends. And now I sit at thirty-four, alone, with all my friends fifteen hundred miles away. I use to think I hated people, but I just didn’t know better. It is true what they say, everyone always wants to make a connection. And when you make that connection, it changes you. And it’s hard to change back. 

Desperately Seeking Something...

I seem to be feeling low a lot lately. Just down in the dumps as it were. I don't know if it's the stress from work and the constant worry of screwing something up with one of our big customers or the daunting task of directing a children's production of Seussical Jr., a show that is all music and requires a lot of dancing. A show where multiple characters are on stage at once and all need to do different things. A show that has a lot going on! Or perhaps it's the combination of the two. It's all so overwhelming and I feel a giant stone has been placed on my shoulders. 

The 5K that I had walked last year and partially trained to run this year was this past weekend. I alternated walking and running, beating my time by only four minutes from last year, which bummed me out. I was mad at myself for breaking my running streak and not getting back on it. Hopefully I'll do better next year. 

I have a lot of fun events to look forward to in the next few months. In two weeks I go to Austin, Texas for ATX Festival, a fun event where I'll be able to attend panels on my favorite TV shows including but not limited to, Orange is the New Black, Everwood, Hey Dude, Orphan Black, Parenthood etc, as well as a Friday Night Lights tailgate party. I'll also get to see my best friend Mark and his new digs. I'm excited to embrace him. 

At the beginning of July I will be traveling to Italy with my Mom, friend Carrie Vail, brother Adam, Uncle David, cousin Andrew, my mom's cousin Paula and my brother's friend Taylor. It will be a much needed relaxing vacation where I intend to do as many fun things as possible with a lot of sitting on the beach with a cold drink and a book and a great friend by my side! 

Then in September I will be flying to Hawaii for the Lost 2014 10 year fan reunion event. 

Even with these fun events in the future everything just seems daunting to me. I hope this feeling passes and soon. 

Am I Home Yet?

I finally left New York, after all the talk. The talk that went on inside and outside of my head. It’s been a month, and a few days. I sold my apartment one month ago today, I spent a week with my parents, I drove over fifteen hundred miles, to Austin. To Texas. To a new life. Is that exciting? I don’t know anybody here, but I’ve always been alone so this should be easy. But alone at twenty-two is different then thirty-four, because I found friends that became family, and then I left them, just like we leave family. Can you ever go home again? Where is home? 

To Be Me

There’s a scratch above my forehead, that bled slightly. It will heal in a day or two, how did it happen? I do not know. But maybe the wound will stay open long enough for real change to occur. Most moments in life pass and you don’t realize that this was a moment. This is it. Someone’s probably said that before, but as I sit here typing, my legs shaking, I know this moment right now, will change my life. I said I wanted to change, because whether you like it or not change happens. And maybe if I say it, I will have control over it. I am torn between my heart and head, and I still don’t know which will win over. 

I wake up every morning at peace, for about a minute nothing worries me. There is a bit of light that seeps through my curtains and hits my ceiling. I sometimes hear a honking, commuters on their way to someplace.  Where am I on my way too?

I slept last night, thanks to some cold medicine, and now almost feel brand new. Everything is new lately, with my move. I haven’t moved, but it’s all I can talk about. Is there anything else to talk about? Everyone wants something brand new. When something is new, it’s usually in perfect condition. It’s shiny, representing a fresh start. As adults, we are broken, from the reality of what life is. And just starting seems overwhelming, for as adults, we are usually somewhere in the middle. The middle of success, failure, fatigue. 

I am actually writing a lot, the most I have in a really long time. It’s why I came to New York, and now I’m leaving, having not accomplished anything I set out too. That might always be an open wound for me. Maybe that’s why I am writing? To prove that I still can. I couldn’t ever say I was a writer, because I was never published. But I write, in the dark, trying to locate that area that lives, somewhere between my heart and my head. And the war that goes on between the two, everyday, in an attempt to be me.