Brother

My brother texted me to invite me to his home for Christmas. He is almost five years older then me, and we never got a long. We fought a lot as kids and teenagers, and then mellowed out and I thought, in our twenties, might have connected. And that connection passed and to this day we remain strangers. I have love for him and wish him well, but after spending twenty-something years pretending to be straight, I can’t pretend anymore in my life. My inability to fake it, might be a product of my single-hood. But my brother and I, it’s not a good fit. And there’s a sadness and a feeling of, how am I responsible for this relationship? We make decisions every day as adults and it’s complicated, but when my dad was sick and I was left alone to deal with my broken family something crossed over in me. My brother had a lack of empathy that changed the way I saw him. He had his reasons, and I heard them and disagreed. It doesn’t make me right or him wrong, wouldn’t that be easy if that were the case? We didn’t then become estranged, we’re not estranged. But our conversations are short and stay above the surface. If we went deeper we might come to an understanding, but we also might drown. And my broken family can’t take another hit.

Green stained shorts

And then I met someone’s hand I didn’t want to let go. We met for lunch, in the morning, before eleven. He’s a teacher and this is his break. And I’ve been on a break for thirty-four years, so I agreed to the time. I was kind of excited, but he was always so busy. His scheduled overwhelmed me. I purposefully wore shorts, to show off my legs (I run a lot). I arrived first. He came shortly after, from behind. And I decided walking in to the restaurant, I wouldn’t try to hide the green stained cut off jean shorts I decided to wear. I didn’t think they would be stained. I didn’t even understand where the green stain came from. I still don’t. I also didn’t try to be funny or serious or any variation of what I once thought you were suppose to try to be when meeting someone new -  whether it be romantic or not. And to be fair, I really did stop doing that around thirty. But he was even more attractive in person. I figured I would never see him again, but before I even got home he had texted me to tell me he thought I was cute. I didn’t know I could still be cute at thirty-four. I think the green stained shorts had something to do with it. When I washed them later that week, the stain came out. 

Post Traumatic Stress

Post Traumatic Stress. I have it, don’t we all? The stress of the day, the trauma of the past, and the future. His friends died in Iraq. If I had friends die in a war, I might drink too. He kissed me, violently, with a little bit of a bite. He expressed his true feelings, after dropping his beer. It was a pattern that I had been noticing, in the few days we had spent together. During which I often asked, does he want me as a friend or a lover? Our time together was always formal, military training having something to do with it I’m sure. And look I am attracted to lost and damaged,  being lost myself, or I was until I found myself. But when you’ve felt lost for so long, it’s easy to go down the wrong road. That’s why I carry a GPS with me, that way I don’t get lost as easily. That’s the idea, but I wish there was a GPS for the heart. Is this a friend or lover I should have? Does anyone say lover anymore? I just hate the word partner. It sounds like a business transaction. Boyfriend. Husband. I might just be a better person single. I just might be, but I won’t know until I try. Yes, trying letting someone in again. To see the damaged and the broken, when I lie in bed alone it all sounds possible, doable. But when he’s lying next to me, holding my hand, I can’t help but wait for the moment when he lets go.  

Intimacy

He napped next to me on the bed, soon his leg rested on my stomach, closer to my penis, an erection followed. Physical intimacy has been hard for me, but it doesn’t take much for me to get excited. I thought maybe he’d be a new friend, but after my first month in this new city, I had second thoughts. It’s the second thoughts I have after, that stop my head from following my heart. 

Heat

The heat here sits somewhere in the middle, comfortably. Running is harder here, rougher terrain, and the heat. It’s not just an exaggeration, it can suffocate you. It’s Friday night, I just cried. I haven’t cried a lot recently, but I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. That’s normal. Nothing for anybody to worry about. I try to tell myself to stop worrying, but for me, I can’t tell myself anything. I have to feel it. I have to sit with it. And sitting with sadness is hard. Change is hard. I’ve been told what I did, what I’m doing, having left all that is familiar is brave. It doesn’t feel brave. It feels a little insane, am I crazy? Mental illness runs in my family.

Leaving

You can stay in the same place and still find ways to leave people. In my new apartment I have a city view of downtown. There are so many people in Austin, and I don’t know any of them. It’s lonely. When I was new to New York, at the age of twenty-two, I was comfortable with loneliness. I had sat with it and befriended it, because I didn’t have any friends. And now I sit at thirty-four, alone, with all my friends fifteen hundred miles away. I use to think I hated people, but I just didn’t know better. It is true what they say, everyone always wants to make a connection. And when you make that connection, it changes you. And it’s hard to change back. 

Desperately Seeking Something...

I seem to be feeling low a lot lately. Just down in the dumps as it were. I don't know if it's the stress from work and the constant worry of screwing something up with one of our big customers or the daunting task of directing a children's production of Seussical Jr., a show that is all music and requires a lot of dancing. A show where multiple characters are on stage at once and all need to do different things. A show that has a lot going on! Or perhaps it's the combination of the two. It's all so overwhelming and I feel a giant stone has been placed on my shoulders. 

The 5K that I had walked last year and partially trained to run this year was this past weekend. I alternated walking and running, beating my time by only four minutes from last year, which bummed me out. I was mad at myself for breaking my running streak and not getting back on it. Hopefully I'll do better next year. 

I have a lot of fun events to look forward to in the next few months. In two weeks I go to Austin, Texas for ATX Festival, a fun event where I'll be able to attend panels on my favorite TV shows including but not limited to, Orange is the New Black, Everwood, Hey Dude, Orphan Black, Parenthood etc, as well as a Friday Night Lights tailgate party. I'll also get to see my best friend Mark and his new digs. I'm excited to embrace him. 

At the beginning of July I will be traveling to Italy with my Mom, friend Carrie Vail, brother Adam, Uncle David, cousin Andrew, my mom's cousin Paula and my brother's friend Taylor. It will be a much needed relaxing vacation where I intend to do as many fun things as possible with a lot of sitting on the beach with a cold drink and a book and a great friend by my side! 

Then in September I will be flying to Hawaii for the Lost 2014 10 year fan reunion event. 

Even with these fun events in the future everything just seems daunting to me. I hope this feeling passes and soon.