A Loner

I was (and am) a loner. I probably always be.

I think I'm way too introspective most of the time.

I probably spend too much time looking back, but I'll be 30 in a few months. Whatever that means. And I remember being 22 and arriving in New York City. I knew nobody, but I had just graduated and I was going to be a writer. It was exciting. I grew up in a small town and went to a small college.

I've had a blessed life (hardships like anyone), so I always feel like such a bad person when I admit that I'm unhappy or stuck. I know every minute is a chance to turn it all around. But making a living as writer hasn't been easy ( I write screenplays ) and even though I have the means to try it all (which makes any complaints infuriating to some I'm sure) it isn't that easy.

Okay, it's not suppose to be. But I bit the bullet. I got a desk job 2.5 years ago. I have health insurance. And I'm unhappy. And I want to just quit (I could), but what would I do next? Maybe I have to quit to figure it out (because who isn't just so tired at the end of a nine hour work day?).

I never saw myself as much. Certainly not as fearless, but I look back at the person I was when I was 22 and I think, maybe I was fearless. I look back at 26, when I could finally say that I was gay and think, maybe I was fearless?

I'm not a slut. I don't want to be (well sometimes). Some say I'm good looking (but many don't). I don't have the social skills or the expectations that you need to be somebody that someone wants. I have gotten better at it all, but I wonder. I wonder if I'm meant to be alone. This makes me sad. I've been alone my whole life.

I fell in love (look at a blog from May to read about that). I'm stronger because of it. It wasn't the traditional kind of love, but was real (more then just infatuation or lust). I think I always knew I had an attraction to this person, but I always thought I was in control of it. It wasn't until I could admit to this person that I was in love with him that I gained some control back. It amazed me how far down the rabbit hole I fell without ever realizing it. I think because I've always been in control. That's one thing I could always say. To climb back out of that hole hasn't always been easy, but I'm getting there.

And my point is? I need a break. I'm tired. I'm tired of wishing. I'm tired of the guilt I feel about my feelings. I'm worried about the possibility of maybe being fearless, and having lost that.

How do I get that back?