Eat Pray Love

The movie event of the year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpYrc0mx_XA

"To have broken heart means you have tried for something." - Ketut, and Liz Gilbert

And then we had sex...

Remember when I said I love you? And my heart was broken. And he still lived with me. And somehow we still managed to be friends. However unhealthy that was.

Well, we're still friends. And I let go of any idea. And I made a new friend. And I've seriously thought about moving (to Seattle!). I will always love him. A part of him. But I know we are not meant to be together.

He is not enough of a man - or enough of the kind of man I need. I know this now. I didn't before. I never thought I could change him (I really didn't!). But I did think I could accept all his shortcomings and he could love me and accept me and it could work.

But I now know I deserve better. I shouldn't have to just meet someone that I can accept. Maybe that means I'm alone forever? Hell, I'm already 30. Fuck it.

I say all this because HE HIT ON ME -- we had SEX. March 7th. He was drunk. I was half asleep. But he came to me and we had sex.

And I was finally laid properly. It was long and intense and sweet and everything I had hoped sex would be. And I didn't become attached after the fact. I still believe I deserve more. And that means I have grown (however unhealthy it was to have sex with him).

I don't care. This sex was fucking hot!

And afterwards we laid together. And he fell asleep. And I laid there half thinking I was dreaming. It was like my reward for three and a half years of emotional torture.

Will I have sex with him again? Yes, but I don't believe it would happen. I'm not waiting for him or anybody. I feel more sure of who I am and better about life sense this.

I was able to have sex with love (not the kind of I'm in love with - the love is more evolved than that). When we held each other there was love there. The kind of love that will stay with me.

And did I mention how hot it was?

Everyone should have some hot sex tonight!

Best of the Decade

OK so it's March. And the Academy Awards are so two weeks ago.

But, here's my list of my ten favorite films of the decade for each year 2000-2009. Go rent them. They are all worth it.

Erin Brockovich (2000)
In the Bedroom (2001)
Lovely and Amazing (2002)
Shattered Glass (2003)
Closer (2004)
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
The Departed (2006)
Into the Wild (2007)
Rachel Getting Married (2008)
An Education (2009)

Who Am I?

Who in the world am I? Do you know? Most of the time I spend at work or at home, I ask my self that question and I have no idea the answer. What do I like/dislike? So here is my list of likes/dislikes.

LIKES
* Movies
* (500) Days of Summer
* Moulin Rouge
* Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton)
* Harry Potter movies
* TV Shows
* LOST
* 24
* Chuck
* Damages
* Parenthood
* The Middle
* Theatre
* Music
* Celine Dion
* Aerosmith
* Barenaked Ladies
* Black Eyed Peas
* Working with my drama kids
* Traveling

DISLIKES
* WORK
* People who don't use correct grammar / spelling
* Chunky tomato sauce on either pizza or pasta
* People who drive stupidly
* The sound of people chewing their food or gulping their drink
* People in general
* Not being paid attention to

So that last dislike...not being paid attention to - sometimes I want to just scream to everyone to PAY ATTENTION TO ME! Which is a weird thought because people do pay attention to me (mostly) but it's this general feeling of being in the background during most situations and nobody really noticing that I'm there or even exist. And if I left, they wouldn't notice. I know that can be mostly my fault as I am very quiet and barely say anything. It's hard for me. I don't know why. Words in spoken form do not come easy to me. I wish I could be more verbal and outspoken but I just feel that I don't have anything of real substance to contribute. Who really wants to hear my thoughts and opinions? Or for that matter, are my thoughts and opinions really mine, or are they me using others thoughts and opinions as my own for I can't seem to really think about what I think of the subject?

Life is one big rollercoaster that I don't want to go on. I'm too scared and frightened. Not exactly OF the rollercoaster, but of the unknown, in every situation.

What I would really love to do is spend a year traveling Europe to find myself. I know that sounds awfully cliche but it's true. As BNL says 'if I had a million dollars'... So I guess I will just continue on this path and see where it takes me. Hopefully it will lead somewhere fun and exciting instead of this dull and mundane life I'm leading now.

SEATTLE in one week. Need this so much.
Ta ta for now.
Lindsay