Remember when I said I love you? And my heart was broken. And he still lived with me. And somehow we still managed to be friends. However unhealthy that was.
Well, we're still friends. And I let go of any idea. And I made a new friend. And I've seriously thought about moving (to Seattle!). I will always love him. A part of him. But I know we are not meant to be together.
He is not enough of a man - or enough of the kind of man I need. I know this now. I didn't before. I never thought I could change him (I really didn't!). But I did think I could accept all his shortcomings and he could love me and accept me and it could work.
But I now know I deserve better. I shouldn't have to just meet someone that I can accept. Maybe that means I'm alone forever? Hell, I'm already 30. Fuck it.
I say all this because HE HIT ON ME -- we had SEX. March 7th. He was drunk. I was half asleep. But he came to me and we had sex.
And I was finally laid properly. It was long and intense and sweet and everything I had hoped sex would be. And I didn't become attached after the fact. I still believe I deserve more. And that means I have grown (however unhealthy it was to have sex with him).
I don't care. This sex was fucking hot!
And afterwards we laid together. And he fell asleep. And I laid there half thinking I was dreaming. It was like my reward for three and a half years of emotional torture.
Will I have sex with him again? Yes, but I don't believe it would happen. I'm not waiting for him or anybody. I feel more sure of who I am and better about life sense this.
I was able to have sex with love (not the kind of I'm in love with - the love is more evolved than that). When we held each other there was love there. The kind of love that will stay with me.
And did I mention how hot it was?
Everyone should have some hot sex tonight!
No comments:
Post a Comment