He Turned 30

He turned 30. Bryan. My only serious relationship. The love of my life. Well, I say relationship. Friend. Best Friend. It's complicated. Read past blogs to f ind out more. But we're barely speaking. I kicked him out. It was for the best. I want to move. We we weren't getting a long. I don't regret that. My life is easier. It just became too much. He wanted to move too, but when both of his moving options fell through he wanted to stay. And I couldn't let him. Because he just became too much. He swallowed me whole. I served my time. I had to be let go. If he could admit that he loved me too than I could have forgiven it all. He couldn't. And that was hard because I know his feelings for me were more. But even though the last six months were really tough (the first year together was fun and easy). And I've seen the good in him. So, I knew the inevitable would happen. This was a four year friendship that blurred line into love. But that doesn't make it easier. I remember the bad times. I don't miss the daily drama (really we could be the Gay Housewives of New York City and it would have been a ratings hit - I swear - and I'm not even that interesting). I want him to grow as a person (God, I need to grow too). As weak as I was around him at times, I also learned to stand up for myself. People didn't realize that. But it's the truth. But I also remember the good. I remember how he could light up a room like I've never seen a person do before. I remember his laugh and smile (like a kid who got caught in the cookie jar). But he sends me random texts saying hello. And I find out from others how hard a time he has been having since he left me. And it makes it harder, almost. Because right now I still want him in my life. But for him it was a deal breaker. He wanted it all. No boundaries. I needed boundaries. He is still mad. We will never be best friends again. Well, I guess you should never say never. Weird I haven't cried yet, right? But laying down this torch for him has left me scary and damaged. Who can go through something like this again? At least the next time I'll be familiar to this path of recovery after my heart has been attacked. I will recover.