32

I've been 32 for 8 days. Not much has changed. Will it ever?
I look back to eight years ago.. five years ago. A lot has changed. It didn't seem so at the time, but it takes time to see change.

And on my birthday I stood infront of so many people that I love and respect and admire and felt their love and I felt blessed. I felt special and needed. It was a perfect day. I was glad to have been born and to have the life I have.

I might see a new wrinkle soon, but I am gaining on happiness (even on my darker days). And I know good things will come. The glass has to remain half full.

I took off to San Francisco for the rest of the week. I walked up and down and all around. I ate some good food. I got a sunburn. It was kind of perfect. I love to get lost by myself in a city I am not familiar with. I guess I'll always be a loner, but maybe that's the wrong word. Because at 32, for the first time in my life, I don't feel alone.

Susie-Q

Her name was Susie.
He called her Susie-Q.
She didn't like it. Ever.
She would roll her eyes.
But when she was a baby.
It was her name.
It was endearing.
And when she was eight.
It was her name.
It was endearing.
He was her father. It was his choice. He was the adult.
Not her.
But then she was twelve.
And she really didn't like it.
But it was endearing. And everyone else did.
And he was her father. It was part of the relationship he had with her.
But then she was eighteen.
And she didn't like it.
And then she was pregnant at twenty-five.
Time went by that fast.
And she was still Susie-Q to him.
And she was going to have a girl.
And she couldn't wait for the name that her father would give her child.
She pretended to hate the idea.
She would roll her eyes, like she was twelve again.
And when she was with her father, she could be twelve again. He allowed it.
And then she was eight months pregnant.
And her father died.
And the baby was born. And there was no grandfather to anoint her a new name.
One that was different from the one her parents would give her.
And she wished. And she regretted. And she stopped pretending.
To be above it all.
She stopped rolling her eyes, because there was no one there to react to it.
To her behavior. Like her father did.
She became an adult.
Life. It happened that fast.

I want to Write

I want to write. I haven't written in a long time and my life seems amiss somehow. The longing to write overwhelms my soul but either the lack of motivation or the need for a riveting story or perhaps both inhibits my creativity. So I don't write.

Lately I have been emmersed in novels, reading one after the other in my '2012 reading challenge' on goodreads. I have challenged myself to read 50 books this year and am saying it here for all of you faithful followers to hold me accountable, I will complete this challenge!

A suggestion of an incredible novel which I just finished reading is 'Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.' It is not only interesting, and will keep you intrigued throughout, the story is phenomenal and takes you to another world. The characters are great and the author has found real photos from collectors and interspersed them throughout the book. They all work very well with the story.

But as for writing...who knows what the future will bring. I need to get out of my head and let the story unfold through my fingers. Something phenomenal is bound to happen at one point, right?

-- Lindsay

Goodnight, my someone

I said I like you.
He said I don't like you.
Six weeks later.
After hope and thought and ...
at least I had that feeling.
And now I say, oh I'm healthy and have money...
Isn't it weird we have to tell ourselves it's not so bad
In that way we do
Just a reminder
It could be worse
But that feeling of
lost connection
is pretty bad itself
I cried a little bit
I just feel like every day I wake up and I get rejected in a new way
And it doesn't feel good
And I wonder
Will anyone ever say I choose you?
Goodnight, my someone

Tapes

Sums up my mood for today...

TAPES - Alanis Morissette

I am someone easy to leave
Even easier to forget
A voice, if inaccurate

Again, I'm the one they all run from
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc

I'm too exhausting to be loved
A volatile chemical
Best to quarantine and cut off

I'm a thorn in your sweet side
You are better off without me
It'd be best to leave at once

I Don't Know

What am I doing?
I don't know
Where am I going?
I don't know
When will I know?
I don't know
I know what I don't want
And still I sit in the same place
Maybe just in a different position
It's February 2012
My birthday is coming soon
And I want one thing
Will I get it?
Or is the point for me not to get it?
It might be time to travel
So much introspection
But I smile
And when I run
faster than I ever have
I feel alive
and it feels good