Dreams

I have two dreams. One is that I am back in college and I forgot to take a required class. And now I won't graduate?! It seems kind of silly for someone my age.

The other dreams is that I have been struck by a terminal illness. Maybe I've watched Terms of Endearment one too many times. I never die in the dream. And sometimes this is a thought I have when awake. It's more a matter of telling people that I have... it's usually cancer. I think about death a and what it might feel like a lot. Maybe it's more about my birthday, but time moves so quickly. This is it. This is my moment. Because, being eighty or ninety doesn't interest me. It scares me, not being able to take care of myself. Having to rely on someone else, letting go. It's kind of like falling in love, right? Letting someone in. My grandfather is dying. He is nearly ninety and he can't walk, it's hard for me to talk or hear. He looks like he's already dead, even though he still likes to eat. Or he did. He's in the hospital. They don't expect him to make it through the weekend. I should be sadder, but he disappointed. People do, they hurt you, you're suppose to forgive. But he never apologized, especially to my mom, for his behavior. Nor to my family. How is forgiveness suppose to happen? For me it never did. It was never the same. I guess nothing ever is. Change happens, whether you want it to or not.