Havoc and Bright Lights

All lyrics by Alanis Morissette from her new album HAVOC AND BRIGHT LIGHTS.

The two songs below... are my two favorite tracks. And they speak to where I am in my life (for better or worse) over this past week.

I can't wait to see her live in October!

NUMB

I feel slow and encumbered and defeated and drawn
Disappointed, over-extended and frustrated and shaken
This overhealing, over-loving, discontentment goes on
This entrancement. Intuition.
I'll be checked out, I'll be gone


HAVOC

I'm slipping grip I'm
Up to my tricks off my wagon
I have no defense I'm
Wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence

These are just two short snapshots of each song... it's actually more 'bright lights' than 'havoc' , but after her last disc... it's comforting. Her bravery inspires me and her voice, so unique.  It's like she became my friend at fifteen through conversation she started with her song 'perfect' and we've kept that conversation going seventeen years later.

Who am I?

I have pondered this question many times throughout my life, more often now as I face my impending move across the country. Many people know who they are, what they like, dislike and what they want out of life. Most people are on the path they have set for themselves at an early age, whether it be starting a family and settling down or in a career that they have worked hard to get to.

Where am I? I am nowhere, and see no path ahead where I want to go. Yes, California is ultimately where I would like to live, set roots. But how do I get there? And what if I fail? Again. I have tried to move out there a couple of times, but the box I have built around myself, securing me in my comfort zone has grown stronger and tougher to break over the years. How do I break that?

And how can I achieve success in anything in my future if I don't believe in myself...and how do I believe in myself if I don't know who I am?

I sit here, talking to you (our loyal readers) and simply wonder how to move forward. And I think to myself what do I like? What do I want to do? What don't I like? Yes I know I love television, movies, books etc. I get immersed into the un-reality of it all. I can lose myself in the stories portrayed in any of those and dream up a life in which I am happy. A life in which I am not afraid. By many of the experiences I have had in my 32 years I have gained the knowledge that I am truly afraid of the unknown. Once I overcome my initial fear I am usually okay. So maybe that's all I have to do. Is to just 'get over it.' But It's easier said than done.

I just finished watching the film 'Eat, Pray, Love' starring the lovely Julia Roberts and wish that I could take one of those epic journeys to find myself...to truly get to know me. But it takes a lot of money to do that. And that is something I do not have.

So I will continue on my road to whatever this life leads me and I will dream and hope and maybe I will find whatever it is I am looking for. If you find it...please send it in my direction.

-much love
L

Fuck Everyone

Fuck Everyone.

I say this a lot. And I don't mean it literally. I mean, like sometimes people just suck. Sometimes days just suck. Saturday was one of those days for me. I accepted a counterfeit bill at work earlier in the week and got reprimanded for it on Saturday. And I should. I made a mistake. But I make mistakes. And never was I schooled in how to determine if a bill is fraud. That fraud pen was never explained to me. And it isn't even hundred percent proof that I was the one to make this mistake. But then I had to listen to passive aggressive digs all day. And I just don't care. Maybe I'm just not cut out for work. Maybe I suck at it. Maybe I should just plan vacations and travel. And skip the rest. Because I should care. But before I hit thirty, I would make a mistake and I would really care and beat myself up over it. And now I make a mistake and I feel nothing. I don't feel bad or good. It's just like whatever. Why stress over it? Because I use to stress and I got no where. And now I don't stress... and I'm still going... no where? It's just one of those days. Wake me up when I am in far away from reality. I always loved Never Never Land.

Mark's PlayList

Music is a great common denominator. All art is, in my opinion. Searching through my music I noticed my top 25 Most Played Songs. I have different playlists for different moods - sleep, gym, dance etc. Yes, I like music when I sleep. And still I was surprised by most of the top 25 Most Played... what are your 25 Most Played Songs? Let's share. I embrace all my music... below is my list.

1. You've Got the Love - Florence + Machine
2. Pacific Coast Highway - Hole
3. Honey - Hole
4. If You Leave Me Now - Chicago
5. Dreams - Fleetwood Mac
6. Better Days - Eddie Vedder
7. Good Life - One Republic
8. Right Through You - Alanis Morissette
9. Irreplaceable - Beyonce
10. How I Feel - Kelly Clarkson
11. Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac
12. If - Janet Jackson
13. I Could Say - Lily Allen
14. Speechless - Lady Gaga
15. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
16. The Heart of the Matter - India.Arie
17. Like a Friend - Pulp
18. Straitjacket - Alanis Morissette
19. Happy Ending Story - Hole
20. Shake It Off - Mariah Carey
21. In My Life - The Beatles
22. Girls Just Want to Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
23. Everyday Is A Winding Road - Sheryl Crow
24. Kiss With a Fist - Florence + Machine
25. Head Over Feet - Alanis Morissette

Mark's Olympic VIew

I don't know his name. I don't know what he competed in, but he is worth the four year wait until next year.

He gives us all hope and something to strive for. Well done!