Hole or Whole?

There was a hole in my arm. Or was it my heart? It was infected. I thought I could pop it and it would go away. But it needed medication. I needed medication. Nothing too serious. The body heals itself. Our body is an amazingly self sufficient tool. I was whole again. Or was it always hole to begin with? Falling down the rabbit hole. Was Alice there? Picking at the scab. At my cuticles. At my face. Until the puss comes out. Until I'm pretty. Or am I suppose to say handsome? The temperature changes every season in New York City. And with the temperature so do people. It's not a big change. But  when the change first happens and you're not prepared for it, it can hit you hard. That gust of wind can blow you right over. And it can be a good feeling. You can get back up and look around and see the person or the situation in a new light. And that light can give you hope if you embrace it. We have to embrace it. All good things have come in my life from change. Change scares me and propels me to do better and be better. Do you believe in God? Show me proof. It's a nice story. Maybe it's more about faith. Who is right or wrong? What if we all our? What if we just accept ourselves? And when we accept ourselves, and only then, will someone else accept us. The dirt under my toenails are always harder to clean. The lines around my mouth when I smile show my happiness and my age. They show me how much I've smiled. How much more I could smile. Smiling is easier than crying.

Rest in Heavenly Peace

Rest in Peace Sweet Angels

Sandy Hook, Newtown CT

 12/14/12

I wanted to post a write up on this horrible tragedy and the incredible stories of heroism and sacrifice told in the aftermath. Upon hearing about the shooting that happened on Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT my heart broke for the victims of this unfathomable event. And now, five days after this happened my heart is still broken and these young lives have left a devestating impact on not only myself but the world.

Around the couple of days prior to the shooting I read somehing that struck me. Someone had posted a very truthful statement about how, usually after a mass shooting the victims are remembered for a while but the shooter becomes infamous and becomes a household name (yes, for a negative reason but still everyone seems to remember the names of those mass shooters). And I thought about that for a few minutes and sadly it is true. This person went on to say, that instead of remembering the name of the shooter we should remember the names of the victims, or at least the name of one of the victims. I vowed to do just that. As the names of the children and teachers who had lost their lives were released and their pictures alongside them, one young girl grabbed a hold of me. I don't know what made me connect to her.



Emilie Parker, age 6

Emilie Parker. She was said to draw and paint pictures for those she felt were sad or upset, always one to comfort. An interview with her parents showed them being sad and distraught, but showing empathy towards the man who killed their daughter. Alissa Parker, Emilie's mom even said that she felt bad for him, because she knew he must have been in a really dark place to do something like this and she felt bad that he was in that place. I give both her and Robbie Parker, Emilie's father credit for that. I don't know if I could be that forgiving. They seem to be amazing people.

It remains a mystery to me why people do what they do. What makes these people decide to do something so heinous to murder innocent people? And in this case especially. These children were just babies, barely lived.

The stories of those who sacrificed their lives to protect the children of Sandy Hook makes me believe in humanity, and has made me want to be a teacher; makes me want to be someone who makes an impact on young lives. These teachers, like Victoria Soto who hid her kids in their cubbies and told the shooter that they were in the gym, barricading the door as she did so. Rachel D'Avino who died shielding a student from the gunman. Dawn Hochsprung who died after lunging at the gunman to stop him. And a teacher who survived, Kaitlin Roig who during the shooting, hid her kids and told them "I need you to know that I love you all very much." It is teachers like Victoria, Rachel, Dawn & Kaitlin who are inspirations and who are most definitely Heroes.

I needed to write this blog to express my sympathy and grief over these beautiful people who are now gorgeous angels as I have been very sad over all of it. I needed to let it out so hopefully I can stop having nightmares. Having worked with children for the past 9 years with the drama program it is very difficult to fathom the heartbreaking tragedy that has unfolded in Connecticut.

So to all of the families I am so deeply sorry for your loss. And to those who have witnessed / survived I wish for you all to be okay.

Mostly I wish to all who have died a peaceful and happy eternity with God in Heaven. I imagine you laughing, playing and jumping on clouds.

**Victoria Soto, age 27; Dawn Hochsprung, age 47; Rachel D'Avino, age 29; Anne Marie Murphy, age 52; Nancy Lanza, age 52; Lauren Rousseau, age 29; Mary Sherlach, age 56**

**Charlotte Bacon, age 6; Daniel Barden, age 7; Olivia Engel, age 6; Josephine Gay, age 7; Ana Marquez-Greene, age 6; Madeleine Hsu, age 6; Dylan Hockley, age 6; Caroline Previdi, age 6; Catherine Hubbard, age 6; Chase Kowalski, age 7; Jesse Lewis, age 6; James Mattioli, age 6; Grace McDonnell, age 7; Emilie Parker, age 6; Jack Pinto, age 6; Noah Pozner, age 6; Jessica Rekos, age 6; Avielle Richman, age 6; Benjamin Wheeler, age 6; Allison Wyatt, age 6**

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written by Lindsay

Christmas

I use to love Christmas. Most children do. And then you become adults and the magic is gone. But for me, living in New York City, the magic stays alive. I love all the lights. I feel like I'm living in a movie when I'm walking around the city. My favorite holiday as an adult is Thanksgiving, but I also love Christmas Eve. I love a good meal, being around family, baking, and the gift or two I know Santa (or Lindsay) will bring me :)


What's your favorite holiday?

It Will Be What It Will Be

I guess after three dates it means you're dating someone.... it doesn't make you exclusive, but the term dating is okay. And so it's been five dates now, with a potential six date on Wednesday. I say potential, because once you've been rejected as often as I have whose to say what may or may not happen. And for the first time I guess I'm just not trying to hope or make it something other than it is. "It will be what it will be." I love that quote. In the last two years now I've really tried to apply that to my life. And it's worked. Because with this guy, for the first time, I'm not running away. I'm scared. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I want him to be my boyfriend. I use to feel like you should know right away. I don't. But I don't see it as a bad thing anymore. I have a habit of getting lost in my own head. But it's time I figured my shit out and one of the first steps is not to run. Or maybe it's the last step. But I've ran so often that it's a step I need to take.

What are you working on in your life to make your life better?

p.s. a co-worker wants to hook up. should i do it? i have to do it soon if i continue to see this other guy... thoughts?

Inspiration for Writing

From HBO's GIRLS....

This monologue inspired me to write. What has inspired you today?

I came here to say I don't think we should see each other anymore. I don't think we should see each other anymore and it makes me feel stupid and pathetic to get a picture of your dick that I know was meant for someone else and you didn't even bother to explain because I made you think you don't have to explain.  So... I'm not asking anything. I'm really not asking you for anything. I have never asked you for anything. I don't even want anything. Okay? I respect your right to see and do whoever you want. And I don't even want a boyfriend. So... I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me. And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this because it makes me sound like a girl who wants to like go to brunch and I really don't want to go to brunch and I don't want you to like sit on the couch while I shop or like even meet my friends. I don't even want that. Okay? But I also don't want to share a sex partner with a girl who seems to ask for a picture of your dick. And also I don't want a picture of your dick because I live very near you so if you wanted me to look at your dick I could just come over and look at your dick. And I don't really see you hearing me and I don't really see you changing, so I just summed it up for you and I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner and you must think I'm even stupider than you thought I was already. But consider it a testament to your charms, because you might not know this but you're very charming and I really care about you and I don't want to anymore because it feels too shitty for me. So, I'm gonna leave.

I Slept Over

I had a fourth date with that guy. And I slept over. And it felt good. And my friends, excited, screamed a fourth date?!

It seems like so little, but also like so much. When you're single for ever and you're scared and inside your head way too much. Just trying to take things as they come, one step at a time.

We have a tentative fifth date. He even asked me to the Opera. Remember when Julia Roberts was taken to the Opera in Pretty Woman? I do. And like she says at the end of the movie, "I want the fairytale."

But this fairytale doesn't look like I thought it would look like. And another friend said that that's probably a good thing, a realistic thing. I'm just having fun right now and trying to be in the moment. Who has time to be in the moment?!

Instead of running away, like I do. Or thinking I might be settling, after being single for a lifetime. Allowing myself to open up and to see somebody past the first date or the second date or an orgasm and the size of there penis.

It could all end after the fifth date too and that would be fine because I've come farther with this guy than I have with anyone in else in a really a long time.

And we don't have much time... or maybe we do. But we never know. So, whatever, fuck it. I'm diving in to the deep end.

I hope I can stay afloat.

Scandal

Whose watching?
Shonda Rhimes created Grey's Anatomy. Remember the 15 minutes that show was good? And now she's created this.  I didn't give it a chance at first.

But, I'm kind of over Revenge. And I need a new soap opera. And so I tried this one out. I've seen five episodes and not from the beginning, and I hate watching new stuff in the middle! But I had nothing else to do and so....

I like it. I like Jeff Perry (he was in My So-Called Life)... and Tony Goldwyn (Ghost)... Kerry Washington is terrific as the lead. When is the last time a black actress got to be the the lead of a network show?

I don't know if it will fall of the rails as fast as Grey's did... or like most shows do, but for right now, I'm digging it.

Lindsay and Mark take the city!

Lindsay came to visit. You guys remember her, that hooligan? What did we do? What didn't we do. When Lindsay comes to the city, the celebrities come as well.

We were just walking down the street when Snoop Dogg appeared. He wanted to see Lindsay, but he has his fans too, so Lindsay and Snoop were not able to connect like they have in the past.

They go way back. Like twenty years. I think he use to babysit her or something. And look how Lindsay turned out...

She had never seen where Monica and Chandler lived! So I showed her. She had never been to Carrie's apartment! So I showed her. It was really nice weather.

She had the best cookie in the world. Where is it? You have to write in the comment section in order to find out.

We had a good time. We always have a good time.