Barthelona, Madrid y Lisboa

Carrie, Becky, Ben and I in front of a stained glass window
Sagrada Familia (Gaudi Church) Barcelona

November 23-30 2013. 
Barcelona Spain, Madrid Spain, Lisbon Portugal
Travel Companions: Carrie, Becky and Ben

A trip vivid with color and history. A country canvassed with beauty, marble, tile and interesting people. What did we bring with us? Our laughter, our smiles and our love of travel. It all started off with an airport dance party and ended with a fancy limo-van to accommodate our jet-lag. 

Upon the arrival into Barcelona the four of us settled into our hotel, Barcelona Princess. I immediately took note that the woman checking us in looked like Marion Cotillard. Then we were on our way to venture into the city to find the Chocolate Museum and the Museo de Picasso. We found neither one. What we did find were side alleys, cupcake chocolates, the Arc de Triomph, street vendors and an adventure. We got lost on purpose, visited the mall and took the metro. 

The second day in Barcelona proved to be another great one. We headed over to Sagrada Familia where I purchased a Pinocchio puppet. The church, which is also known as Gaudi Church for the designer Gaudi who created and built it was beautiful. it was intricate in details and looked like a mud castle, the kind where you let the mud trickle through your fingers creating an interesting castle. Before we went in, we walked around the nearest park followed by a nice rest in the nearby starbucks. 

Inside was absolutely stunning. The colors created by the sun peeking through the multiple stained glass windows created a mosaic of blues, oranges and reds. The stained glass windows in and of themselves were a sight to behold and the ceiling was breathtaking as well. 

That night we were back at the Barcelona airport to take a flight to our next stop- Lisbon, Portugal. 

Our first full day in Lisbon (Lisboa) was eventful. Thanks to Auntie Shirley and my Mom we had the privilege of spending the day with Pedro, our tour guide. He took us all around Lisbon, showing us the many different sides of the city. We saw a bridge that is the same as the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco; if you look at it in pictures you would swear it was San Francisco if you didn't know better. We were able to go up to the top of Cristo Rei, a Portugal landmark and see all of Lisbon. He took us to New Lisbon and to so many more places. 

We went to the Mosteiro dos Jeronimo, which is the Monastary in the neighborhood of Belem. After spending a good amount of time there we walked to Pasteis de Belem, a famous bakery most well known for their pasteis de nata pastries. We ate delicious food for lunch and for the dessert we ate the pasteis de nata...which there is a good reason they are famous for them! They were mouth watering delicous; a custard in a puffed pastry. 

The rest of the day led to more sigh seeing and ended with a goodbye to our new friend Pedro. The following day we traveled around the city on our own, eating lunch at the oldest restaurant in Lisbon, going down to the water and enjoying our time in this beautiful city. 

Madrid was next on our stop. It was also the last stop on our trip. We ate lunch at a place near our hotel and the sauce from my lunch with bread dipped into it was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted (besides the pasteis de nata). We walked around, saw some sights, took many pictures and then that night decided to spend our Thanksgiving by seeing Catching Fire in the local movie theater, which luckily was in english with spanish subtitles. 

Following the movie, Becky, Ben and I went out for a drink (which turned into four). The sangria was delicious so obviously I had to have more. We went to a bar afterwards where I had my mother talk to the bartender, who laughed and seemed cool with it but i'm sure in her mind she was probably thinking 'oh these obnoxious americans'. :) 

The next day we slept in, did some more sight seeing and saw Catching Fire again! Then it was time to leave. We spent some time in the airport and had a very pleasant flight back to the states. I watched The Conjuring, Stuck in Love, 2 & 1/2 episodes of The L Word, 1 & 1/2 episodes of The Mentalist and read. 

We had a wonderful time. A beautiful time. A happy time. It was filled with laughter and exhaustion, and gorgeous sights. I would definitely travel back to Barcelona to try to find that Picasso Museum. I would 100% go back to Lisbon - it was my favorite part of the trip. Madrid, I think I'm okay with not going back. It was pretty, but I saw enough of it. 

If you, my readers, ever have the need to travel I highly recommend going to Spain & Portugal. 

Gracias! 
Obrigada! 
Thank you! 

JFK 50 Years

"A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on." 

- John F. Kennedy

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

May 29, 1917 - November 22, 1963

"And so my fellow Americans; ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." 

          It's one of the most recognized quotes in history, a quote that began a presidency. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the youngest man to have been elected into office stood before the people of the United States and spoke to them as only he could. In a voice so unique to him he gave the people; his people, hope for a better future. Hope for equality. Hope for peace. 

           He wasn't supposed to be President. That title was held for his older brother Joseph Kennedy Jr. The patriarch of the family, Joseph Kennedy Sr. had put all of his hopes and dreams onto his eldest son Joe and was entwined into getting him into the highest seat in the United States. Sadly Joe Jr. was killed in battle during World War II so the hopes of the father passed down to his second eldest son, John. 

            On September 12, 1953 John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier in Newport, RI. Jacqueline ("Jackie") was a great asset to Jack in both his life and as his companion as First Lady. Not only a fashion icon, Jackie was also knee deep in the restoration of the White House, bringing back the history of the past Presidents and creating a Museum for people to tour the most famous House in the states. During their marriage they had four children. Arabella, who was stillborn; Caroline, John Jr "John-John" and Patrick who passed away three days after his birth. John Jr. sadly died in a plane crash in 1999 along with his wife Carolyn and her sister. Caroline is alive and well and is married with three children. 

             With two years under his belt as President, an unsuccessful military invasion of Cuba (dubbed "The Bay of Pigs") and a huge success with the Cuban Missile Crisis, in which he negotiated the removal of nuclear missiles from Cuba, it was the hope of a nation for a great rest of term and promising re-election for Kennedy in 1964. So as John F. Kennedy decided to visit Texas for a political tour to help his standing there he asked his wife Jackie to come along with him. This was the first time Jackie would accompany her husband on a political tour in the states. And so it was...November 22, 1963 they would visit Dallas after a brief stay in Ft. Worth. 

               The morning started off dreary, rainy and overcast. And as they landed in Dallas the skies opened up and the sun appeared, what people called "Kennedy Weather". Jackie was wearing Jack's favorite outfit, the infamous pink skirt and jacket with accompanying pill box hat. They stepped off air force one to a cheering crowd. Walking through the crowd, greeting them and smiling they arrived at their limousine, an open top limo, which they wouldn't have used if it were raining.

                At 12:30pm shots were fired and the 35th President of the United States was hit. Once through the neck and then in the head. At approximately 1:00pm at Parkland Memorial Hospital John Fitzgerald Kennedy was pronounced dead. His last words were "Oh my God, I've been hit."

                _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

               I was not alive during that time. My father was in seventh grade and my mom in sixth. They both remember where they were when they heard the news. But even though I was not around during the Kennedy Era, I have a deep appreciation for them. Jacqueline Kennedy is an icon and a true inspiration; she is someone I admire greatly. In a time where women were supposed to be housewives, and take a secondary role in life, she was strong and stood for what she believed in. And one of those things she believed in was her husband.

                Was JFK perfect? No. Did he make mistakes? Yes. But he was a great man who cared about his family and cared about the wonderful country he led. He was charismatic and handsome. He was a husband. He was a father. He was a President. He was a dignified man. He died too soon in a horrible way. And he left a legacy that will continue to live on for many years.

                Was Lee Harvey Oswald the lone gunman? Was there a second gunman on the Grassy Knoll? Are any of the conspiracy theories true? I can't answer that. I can't say to you if the Mob was involved, or the CIA was conspiring to assassinate their President. What do I believe? I'm not really sure. I don't think that there is a conspiracy theory, but if that ended up being true I wouldn't be surprised. However, I also don't think Lee Harvey Oswald was the only man responsible.

                 All in all I think the assassination of JFK was too easy to be done by a single man. A man mind you that was being watched by the FBI for years. So how can that man pull off this immense tragedy? The CIA and all those involved knew that Dallas was dangerous, they were aware of the hatred people in Dallas had for JFK. They saw all of their obstacles beforehand, as they walked through the motorcade route. The tall buildings surrounding the streets, the slower speed the motorcade had to travel due to the large crowd cheering, the fact the limousine was open top. If they knew of all of these obstacles and possible opportunities for an assassination attempt, and the significant and very real danger posed to the President how did this happen, by a single person being watched by the FBI?

                 We will never know these answers. But John F. Kennedy will be remembered for the man he was, the President he was and the life that was snuffed out far too soon. I always think what would the world be like today if he had lived?

                  Today, the 50th anniversary of his death I think of him, of Jackie, of Caroline and of John Jr. I hope he is in the real Camelot with his love and his son. Rest in Peace John F. Kennedy.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." 

- John F. Kennedy

Girl Power - YEAH!

Kate Nash in all her glory

KATE NASH
House of Blues
Boston, MA
11/8/13
Opening Bands: Potty Mouth & La Sera

So here it was, girls night out in Boston with my chicadees Elle and Carrie. 

We had decided it would be fun to dress like the Spice Girls for the Kate Nash concert in Boston, and it worked out so well. Elle was Ginger Spice, I was Posh Spice and Carrie was Sporty Spice. And we even added in adorable cat ears for the hell of it! I mean, you can't go wrong with cat ears right? ME-OW! 

On top of our outfits and cat ears (making us super fly!) we had adorned our incredible rock'n'roll / biker jackets that we had custom made a couple of nights before that represent our little crew -- the "Sexy Ladyboss Gang", complete with the wording in true biker gang style, with the extra touch of a heart on the sleeve. They are pretty darn awesome if you ask me. And I only speak the truth! 

We arrived at the House of Blues in Boston, parked and got our tickets followed immediately by a trip to the bar. Carrie and I both got a Oktoberfest beer. Gotta say - it was delicious! We stood in the un-marked VIP section for the opening band La Sera before being kicked out when Kate came on. But that ended up being the best thing for us. 

Moving on over to the side of the bar area, right by the stairs to go on stage, we had the perfect view. It was unobstructed and we weren't being crowded by the swarm of people who were at the show. Right before Kate Nash came on the song You Don't Own Me came on and let's just say, what a perfect song in general and even more so to open the show for her. A true kick ass girl power song! And that is what Kate is all about. 

L to R -- Elle, Me, Kate Nash, Carrie
*best night ever*

She rocked the house and we had a blast! We danced our own choreographed dance for the song 'Kiss that Grrrl' and were basically having the time of our lives. Little did we know how much better it was going to get! 

The end of the show Kate gave a speech about how as women we have to take control of life and not take any shit from anybody. It was very empowering and amazing. During this time her tour manager (or someone who worked at the venue, i'm not really sure) started bringing up people from the audience to where we were standing. Elle then told me that at the end of Kate's shows she usually has audience members come and dance on stage with her. Elle, being the badass chick she is told Carrie and I to follow the people who the manager guy had gathered up and we'd be set. As the group got up on stage we followed. Elle got up there and then the security guard grabbed Carrie and I. As he noticed that we were all together and with Carrie's scared puppy dog eyes he said we would be the last let on the stage. PHEW!!!! It was so awesome. 

Elle had made her way to the front/center of the stage, directly behind Kate herself so Carrie and I met her there and we continued to dance our asses off to the tune of Kate's song. (The first picture is a picture Carrie took while we were up there). It was so incredible to have that experience, to be dancing on stage with about 20 fans in front of 300+ people was something for the record books!! Definitely up there with coolest experiences of my life. And to be able to share that experience with two of my best friends just made it all the more special and amazing. 

When the song ended she ushered us all backstage for a hug for all of us from her! What a sweetheart!! Then we left the backstage area and towards the merchandise table. We each bought a print of a quote of hers while she came back on for one last song. 

After it was over, we were basically kicked out of the venue by the staff. So we waited outside to meet this awesome performer/rocker/woman! It was freezing and she took a while to come out to say hello to the fans who stayed back to meet her, but totally completely worth it! I would say there was about maybe 15 people out there. When she came out she talked to a few people who she seemed to be friendly with for about 10 minutes and then came over to the line of people waiting ready to sign autographs and take pics. Once she got to us she asked Carrie her name first and Elle told her to show Kate our jackets. So we all turned around and Kate FLIPPED OUT at our amazing Sexy Ladyboss Gang jackets!!!! She loved them, and took pictures of us in them (as a group and individually) and then when she noticed our cat ears and the fact we were dressed as the Spice Girls she was even more excited. We then got a picture with her.

I went into the concert only really knowing her song "Kiss that Grrrl" and liking her enough and left with a deep appreciation for her as a person, respect for her as a woman and a better understanding and love of her music.

I Ran

I started running two years ago to lose a little weight. It started on the treadmill and I found myself feeling a relief I had never had felt before. I was able to do five or six miles at one point.  Soon it grew to nearly seven miles. It felt great, but I couldn't imagine doing any more than that, until I found my way to Central Park. A friend wanted a partner to help him train for a half marathon.  We ran over fourteen miles. I felt it the next day. But no matter what the day was, nobody could take away that I ran. And nobody helped me. I did it. It's amazing what the body is capable of.


I ran my own half marathon in May and shortly after was asked if I wanted to run the New York City marathon in November for charity. I would have to raise the money. What would be harder? The training or the fundraising. They were both a bitch, but I did both and on last Sunday I ran 26.2 miles.
New York City is one of the largest (if not the largest) and one of the most difficult (if not the most difficult) marathons to run. I got to run it with a good friend, which made it something more.
And running in the city that I've called home for almost twelve years made me see the city brand new. My first apartment was on first avenue, where a large part of the course takes place. We ran by my current home, where my parents stood and cheered me on, in Harlem. It looked different, but I was different too.
Four hours, nine minutes, thirty-five seconds.
You start as one person, you end as another. This marathon, it softens and hardens you. It brings you to your knees and takes away your breath. And then it fills you up, with confidence, pride and strength - right as you feel like you're being knocked out. What's really happening is, you're being born again. Is this the end or the beginning?
And then it's over. And your'e body begins to shake. And by the next day, you have to learn to walk again. Because nothing works quite the same way. I walk around the city, and it looks different.  A moment can change everything.

Down to the Bone

It cuts close to the bone. It stings when flesh reacts to 350 degrees. And then it burns. And my stomach turns into a knot. And I am saddled with an anxiety that I have never quite been approached with before.

That I Would Be Good If I Did Nothing?

It sits on my shoulder. And it whispers in my ear, right before I fall asleep at night.

That self doubt. That I will never figure anything out. Why bother? Because I can only run into so many brick walls.

I Wish I Had River I Could Skate Away On

Maybe I am writer? Spending so many years denying it after failing, thinking of coming back to it. I need to come back to something.

I know most don't have anything figured out, but they get by. I am not getting by. I am drowning. What if I just don't know?

Saying that out loud. It's hard enough to say it out loud, but when you say it to someone else the doubt, the pity, and the amount of time they take in trying to figure out a solution. They search for it. Or they search for me. It's as if I just misplaced my keys.

But maybe I did? Because my door isn't opening anymore.

It's A Bitch To Grow Up

And my bed feels warmer than it ever has, even when I'm laying by myself. That moment when you wake up, before you start the day. There's so much promise in that moment. Before you realize what your days is and your responsibility is.

And then you have to respond to what the world gives you.

I need the world to give me more.

Yes, I watch a lot of TV

So a new season of TV has started and with that comes a lot to watch from past years and some new shows to get involved in. What do I watch you ask? Well here's a list -

Sunday Nights:
Once Upon a Time
Masters of Sex (new)

Monday Nights:
Sleepy Hollow (new)
Castle

Tuesday Nights:
New Girl
Sons of Anarchy

Wednesday Nights:
American Horror Story: Coven
The Middle
Revolution
Modern Family
Criminal Minds
Nashville
Super Fun Night (new)

Thursday Nights:
Big Bang Theory
Grey's Anatomy
Parenthood
Project Runway
Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (new)

Saturday Nights:
SNL

Shows that I watch but that haven't started yet:
Game of Thrones
The Walking Dead
Orange is the New Black
The Americans
Bates Motel
Hannibal
Downton Abbey
True Blood
Rizzoli and Isles

Shows that have ended that I have watched:
Lost
Fringe
Dexter
Friends
Friday Night Lights
American Horror Story
American Horror Story: Asylum
The Tudors
Ally McBeal
Six Feet Under
Full House
Sex and the City
Alias
24
Ugly Betty
ER
Touch
In Plain Sight
Mercy
Go On
Off the Map
Saved by the Bell
Dollhouse
Battlestar Galactica
Firefly
Jem
Fraggle Rock
Pushing Daisies

Shows that I am currently marathoning:
Breaking Bad
The L Word
Homeland

Shows in my netflix queue to watch soon:
Arrested Development

So if you ask me what I watch. Well the answer is EVERYTHING! 

What Next?

So, I got a job. Not the one I was waiting for since the beginning of the summer, but one that came to me in the span of a week. I wanted it so bad and I got it. It was a big deal for me and my career. I sort of have been making a career for myself for almost two years now. And now I finish the first day of my second week and I feel like everything I've been working towards over the last year and a half was for nothing. I had a goal, a path, it felt good. And I got what I wanted in this moment for the first time and it's turning out to be the opposite of what I need. I feel so overwhelmed and  anxiety ridden at the start of every morning. And sometimes before I sleep, panic sets in, as I'm looked at as not good enough. Too slow, not smart. Not enough. Will I ever be enough? It's not about getting quicker with the production of making pastry in a commercial kitchen. I know in time I would get quicker, but no one seems to want to give me that time. But worst of all, I am ready to run. It's what I do best. Because this industry offers no vacations, health care, breaks of any kind. Where is my break? After a college education there has to be more then this. I thought this was enough, but it isn't. I need more. And telling my parents that I don't think anything I've been working towards is working for me anymore brought tears to my eyes. As I sat in a park, about to head into a job that doesn't feel right. When I will feel right? Where do I go from here? Where is here? So many questions, and they sting like the sweat that comes from my brow and gets into my eyes during a long run on a summer day. It's not summer anymore and I'm not twenty-three. As Winona Ryder in "Reality Bites" said herself, I really thought I was going to be something by the age of the twenty-three. I'm not twenty-three. Not even close. I don't want to be, but I want to be something.

Marathon Running

I ran the half marathon in Brooklyn this past May. I ran in the Pride run this past June. I've been running for almost two years now. It started as a way to get into shape and then it became something more --

This November I am running the marathon for the charity, PENCILS OF PROMISE. I know we don't receive any comments, but I imagine we have a some loyal readers (WATCH ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK).

And if you enjoy this blog (or just enjoy Lindsay)... think about donating. I am running for education. Below is the link to my donation page. Anything is appreciated and helps. There are incentives for the highest donations.

http://fundraise.pencilsofpromise.org/fundraise?fcid=251853

You can send one child to school by donating $25.

Orange is the New Black

ORANGE is the new BLACK

Starring:

Taylor Schilling, Laura Prepon, Taryn Manning, 

Kate Mulgrew, Natasha Lyonne, Jason Biggs

There are the shows out there that are good, there are shows out there that are bad...and then there are those that are great! "Orange is the new Black" is one of those shows in the 'great' category. Maybe it's due to the fact that the cast is brilliant, or the characters are individually and collectively three dimensional and well thought out, or the writing is perfect, or maybe because the creator of the show is none other than Jenji Kohan (creator of Weeds)? Personally I think it's the combination of all of the aforementioned. It also doesn't hurt that the show is adapted from the book of the same name, a true account of Piper Kerman's year in prison. 

 Meet Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling), a normal girl with a perfect life. She lives in a nice apartment with her loving boyfriend Larry (Jason Biggs), seemingly the girl next door. And she is. But she has a secret, and that secret is about to turn her life upside down. You see, ten years previous she was in a relationship with a woman, a beautiful, sexy woman named Alex (Laura Prepon). But Alex had a dark side, and a dangerous job in a drug cartel, and when Piper helped her carry money across the border she never thought that ten years after she would get caught. 

So now we see her in the pilot episode getting ready to surrender herself in to the Litchfield Prison. And throughout the 13 episode season we see what it's like inside a female prison and we meet some colorful characters. Among those characters are a Russian woman who heads the kitchen and who you do not want to mess with if you want to eat (Kate Mulgrew), a Junkie lesbian who just wants to be loved (Natasha Lyonne), a Born Again Christian who you do NOT want to disrespect (Taryn Manning) and many others. 

The love I have for this show is beyond what I can put into words. I finished watching it at 1:00am on Friday night and immediately wanted to re-watch. You will fall in love (and hate) with these characters. They are so well developed you can even love and hate them at the same time. Tears will be shed, laughter will bellow from your mouth. You will feel empathetic to some of the trials these women face and most of all you will walk away wanting more. 

Bravo Netflix on a job well done! :) And for your entertainment...some photos-

An Immensely Tragic Loss

Almost exactly one year ago I found out that my friend Danny, who we all referred to as "Little Danny" (not because of his size, but because his dad is "Big Danny") was diagnosed with Leukemia. It was a roller coaster ride for him at the beginning. It seemed as the doctors didn't know what was wrong with him. One week it was Leukemia, the next something else. I didn't understand why they couldn't get it right. I guess it was because the doctors were stumped...you see the Leukemia started in his liver, which is rarely if at all the case in this type of cancer.

The year was another roller coaster ride for him. The ups and downs, the good and the bad. He spent most of it in the hospital at Dana Farber in Boston, MA. He would get good news and sent home then a few days after he would get sick and have to go back.

How do I know Danny you ask? Well his dad (Big Danny as previously stated) and my dad (Raul) have been best friends since high school. So I grew up with him, his older brother Freddie and younger sister Jen. Danny is my age, just a few months younger than me. So that would mean he was diagnosed around his 32nd birthday.

On Thursday, March 28th the family was given the news from one of his doctors that he was doing good, the stem cell transplant went well and they had taken the stints out of his liver. Good news! And then on Friday March 29th the oncologist called the family with the worst news, the cancer was back and it had spread throughout his body...it was everywhere and he was given 2-3 weeks.

Never in my wildest thoughts did I think he wasn't going to win this battle. It was always in my mind 'he's young, he's strong, he is going to beat this!' Him dying was unimaginable.

He came home that Sunday. He died a week later...April 7, 2013.

I was able to visit with him on the Thursday before he passed. I spent about 20 minutes with him and my brother. And although it was hard to see him lying there, his once strong, muscular self, now weak and thin I was glad for being able to see him one last time. To tell him that I loved him. The last words he said to me was "I love you" back. It comforts me to know that he is no longer suffering, no longer in the immense pain he was in. But I am so deeply sad from the loss of one of my dearest friends. I had dreams throughout my life that him and I would be married. He went with me to my commencement ball at the completion of my college life in 2002. He was the kindest most generous man, with the biggest heart and I miss him so much already. The world is worse off now without him in it.

His passing has hit me hard. Harder than I thought it would. I feel like I'm falling down a deep abyss...I can feel myself not caring about anything. Not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to even watch TV. Just want to sit and stare at the ceiling. Now, a week later I feel a little better, a little. I feel guilty that I am this sad ... this devastated. I think to myself a lot of the time, "we were friends...we weren't dating...we only hung out a few times in the past few years...we didn't talk all that much. We were just friends," who am I to feel this sad?

I want to get a tattoo, a feather that looks like it's writing the letter D. But again the thoughts come to me...who am I? (no i'm not jean val jean!) What gives me the right to get that tattoo?

It just has been a terrible month. The worst month anyone can imagine. On top of his death, his father is in the hospital and at one point wasn't going to make it. My Great-Uncle Al is dying of lung cancer, my Great-Uncle Nick almost died during chemo treatment for lymphoma, and then the Boston Marathon explosions happened. Luckily I didn't know anyone who was injured or lost their life...but it is a terrible tragedy just the same.

Rest in Peace Danny.
-Lindsay

Dreams

I have two dreams. One is that I am back in college and I forgot to take a required class. And now I won't graduate?! It seems kind of silly for someone my age.

The other dreams is that I have been struck by a terminal illness. Maybe I've watched Terms of Endearment one too many times. I never die in the dream. And sometimes this is a thought I have when awake. It's more a matter of telling people that I have... it's usually cancer. I think about death a and what it might feel like a lot. Maybe it's more about my birthday, but time moves so quickly. This is it. This is my moment. Because, being eighty or ninety doesn't interest me. It scares me, not being able to take care of myself. Having to rely on someone else, letting go. It's kind of like falling in love, right? Letting someone in. My grandfather is dying. He is nearly ninety and he can't walk, it's hard for me to talk or hear. He looks like he's already dead, even though he still likes to eat. Or he did. He's in the hospital. They don't expect him to make it through the weekend. I should be sadder, but he disappointed. People do, they hurt you, you're suppose to forgive. But he never apologized, especially to my mom, for his behavior. Nor to my family. How is forgiveness suppose to happen? For me it never did. It was never the same. I guess nothing ever is. Change happens, whether you want it to or not.

Maybe

Maybe I am suppose to be the one to save myself.
I had Jessa paint my thumbs. A shimmery blue, like her hair. The paint came off my thumbs in the middle of the night, for the most part.
For the most part I try to let go of the heavy things. There has to be a reason for it all or a path or is it all just random? It is all going to come back to writing sometime? Wouldn't that be poetic? Stick to what you know.
I want the fairytale, like Vivian told Edward.
I'm a water sign, the fish. Birthday approaching, an extra amount of introspection. A pisces. Is that how you spell it? Being correct right now doesn't interest me.  Be brave. I'm going to ask someone out on a date. I feel like everyone should. It should be a requirement. Take that leap. If you don't, what's the point? But I'm scared. But I'm doing it. I'm waking up. I'm brushing my teeth. I'm living life. I'm allowing myself to laugh. A lot.

The Night of My Life 2/2/13

Have you ever sat across from an Academy Award Nominated actress and just listened to her? Truly took in the moment and realized nothing could compare to what you were experiencing at that very moment? February 2, 2013 was that moment for me. It's hard to really describe this night. Yes I can share the story (most of it) but no words can fully express exactly what I was feeling. But I will try.

Jessica Chastain
Movies: Mama, Zero Dark Thirty, The Help, The Debt, Jolene, Texas Killing Fields, Stolen, Lawless, The Tree of Life, Tar, Madagascar 3, Wilde Salome, Coriolanus, Take Shelter, The Westerner
TV: Blackbeard (TV Movie), Guest Spots: Veronica Mars, Law & Order: Trial by Jury, Close to Home, ER
Broadway: The Heiress

The backstory:

December 1, 2012. I had gone to NY to visit with my co-blogger Mark. We went to the stage door of The Heiress to meet Dan Stevens (Downton Abbey) and Jessica Chastain. It was freezing out but we waited patiently. After meeting Dan (he is just so adorable) we continued to wait for Jessica for about 45 minutes, but then the Doorman told us she wasn't coming out. So we left.

Fast forward to January 26, 2013. Originally I was supposed to go to NY to visit a couple of friends of mine. But on the train ride down on the friday before I got sick and had to turn around and go home. So Saturday the 26th I decided to go on my computer to message back someone on facebook. (Note - I almost never go on facebook on my computer as I use it on my phone)... I open my messages and see this folder marked "Other Messages", which doesn't appear on my phone, only on a computer. So I was confused and wondered what was in this folder--I opened it.

Right on top was a message, an important message that was dated December 1st. I opened it up and it was from Jessica Chastain's assistant, saying how Jessica was upset that I had missed her at the stage door as she did in fact come out. She then went on to say that if I wanted to come back after the night show and go backstage to meet Jessica she would be more than happy to set that up.

My jaw dropped. Was this real? I remember just thinking how upset I was that I didn't see this message right away and hoping that it wasn't too late. I immediately responded apologizing for not getting back to her earlier and asking if the offer was still available. She got back to me the next day with a firm yes and from there we set everything up. It was going to take place Saturday night -February 2, 2013 after the 8:00 performance of The Heiress. I was planning on going to NY to visit Carrie and Cari to make up for the missed visit that weekend so I told Carrie about the plan and we decided the three of us needed to keep it on the extreme down low in case this all turned out to be fake. Needless to say we were excited beyond belief.

Saturday, February 2, 2013:

After a week of stress and nervous energy the night was upon us. We went into the city and saw the performance. It is a great show, a story of a girl who is socially awkward and extremely shy. Her father is a prominent doctor who is very wealthy. The girl is The Heiress of his large fortune should he pass. A handsome gentleman with very little fiscal means and expensive taste comes to visit one day and falls in love with the girl. The two plan to marry but are marred by the father's mistrust in the man's intentions (is it love or is it her money?). It was funny, it was sad. Jessica (who played the role of Catherine aka The Heiress) was incredible. She is so talented, and every award she is nominated for she needs to get. To see her act in person was incredible. There is one scene where she breaks down and she had me in full on tears.

The show ended and we headed to the stage door. My heart was in my chest and I was just hoping and praying that when we went in my name would be on that list. And it was. Jessica's assistant was there waiting and brought us back to her dressing room. We waited for Jessica to finish changing and got to play with her ADORABLE three legged dog Chaplin for a little bit. Her dressing room was decent sized, a little on the small side but very pretty.

When Jessica came out I think I froze from all of the emotions I had been feeling throughout the day. She has a presence about her. She is gorgeous and so tiny! She is a little taller than I am (which isn't saying much) maybe about 5' 4'' (??). We introduced ourselves and she gave each of us a hug. She then introduced us to her boyfriend and had us sit down.

The three of us sat on the couch (there was just enough room for us three) and Jessica pulled a chair out of her makeup room and sat across from us while her boyfriend pulled up another chair and sat in the doorway between dressing room and makeup room. It is a small space so it was very intimate.

She then talked with us, told us about how her dog ran on the stage during the afternoon performance and how she was freaking out but didn't let it show. She shared stories from her movies, talked about her upcoming schedule (the girl is insanely busy!) I honestly don't know how or when she sleeps. At one point a gentleman came in to say goodbye to her, he may have been a producer of the show or something to that effect, and she introduced us to him!

Jessica talked with us for about twenty minutes. I had thought we would go in say hello and talk with her for a couple of minutes have her sign our playbills and take pictures and then say goodbye. I didn't expect her to take so much time with us. She apologized for not being there to meet me after the show back in December. She joked around with her boyfriend about her kiss with Dan Stevens in the show. She was amazing. She was sweet. She is without a doubt the kindest person I have ever met in my life.

It was surreal sitting there, listening to her talk about flying to LA to do five talk shows, then discuss all of the Oscars prep she has to do. The OSCARS! She is so real. And so humble. She is an inspiration.

We gave her a thank you gift...an alex and ani bracelet that's meaning was perfect for her. She thanked us and put it on. She signed our playbills and took a group photo and then individual photos with each of us. Then gave us each another hug as we made our departure. Smiling and waving as we left.

I have not gone into detail of everything she said. That is between the five of us. I will just say that nothing can ever compare to February 2, 2013. My heart is full from the appreciativeness and kindness she has shown. I am thankful to her assistant for being the amazing detective she is and for finding me and setting this all up. I am thankful to Jessica for being the type of person who everyone should strive to be. She is definitely someone to aspire to!

Here I am with Jessica



Me, Carrie, Jessica & Cari

-- Yours always LINDSAY! 

Broken

My five dates turned into six. A month later. My phone call was never returned. My text was never answered. And then he responded, with 'wassup'.... a thirty-seven year old man. A man who teaches English and taught himself to read. I've never been that person to ask what are we or where are we going. I asked it once. I don't regret it. But, it's not for me. And I didn't ask him why it took him a month. And he never offered an explanation when we met for dinner. And then he got really hurt when I told him I had to work the next day. He wanted to spend the day together, but he didn't confirm the date until the day before. I'm not that person though that's going to point this out. Why? Because I don't want to be anyone's mother. He knows better. People know better. They didn't call you back because they didn't want too. And it's okay. But I am not working this coming Friday/Satuday and I've already texted him telling him this much and offering him my time. Because when we were alone together he opened up to me. And  I opened to him. And it meant something, because I don't open up that easy. I'm scary and broken and just trying to heal every day. I think we all are. But if he ignores this text, he won't be getting anymore from me. What happens next in 2013? I can't imagine what a parent must feel like with no guidebook to tell them right/wrong. But, at almost 33.... I won't a guidebook. I need a kick to the head or to the heart. At this point I'd even choose a broken heart again. 

Insert Clever Title Name Here...

I have been sick the past week and have had more time to think than I need. Thinking depresses me. Thinking about where my life is going ... what I have to look forward to throws me into deep sadness. Yes I am going to New York in a couple of weeks, DC the end of February, Montreal and LA in April and a fun road trip in September but the in between of it all...

My California move isn't on track. I can't sell for what I paid for and probably never will. But mostly I'm scared. A friend of mine's mother who is a real estate agent came to do an evaluation on what I can get in terms of selling and renting. Unfortunately renting won't be feasible as I can't rent it for what I pay in mortgage and I can't afford to pay the balance. She did say if I cleaned up the yard and little things she can put it on the market and see what she can do. She would even help me out by way of lowering her commission, which is so great of her. And then she asked me what I wanted to do out in California. I don't know. I have no idea. My life is a huge question mark. 

So that is the reason for my change of plans. I am crushingly terrified. Of what? Of failing. Of selling my house, moving across country, and not being able to do it. And what if that happens? What would I have to come home to? I would then have no home and would probably end up going back to renting. Because renting affords so much more flexibility. With renting you don't have to worry about selling when you want to move somewhere. But then in my opinion and how I have been raised, and taught is renting is going backwards in life. I own a house. I have equity in property. And if I no longer own that...have that adult responsibility and go back to renting it is (to me) going completely backwards in life. What's next? Going back to living with my parents? 

I wish there was a look into my future to tell me what will happen. 

I wish I wasn't so scared.

I wish I was more confident in myself and the decisions I make. 

I wish I wish I wish. 

Why am I so blocked in life? Why can't I move forward and do what I want to do? Can someone please move this gigantic rock blocking me from what I want in life? 

My Head Hurts

My head hurts. As I approach another birthday, trying to make sense of a career I want. Where to go from here? I always feel so far behind. Even after running faster than I ever have. I am behind. Or maybe I'm in front. I'm happy, I am. Is that annoying? It's refreshing. I just wish I got a paycheck that reflected all the hard work. Life is hard work. Maybe the smile I have is the reflection. I work with people who work, work, work. And they never get time to enjoy it. I'm enjoying it, but the dollar signs aren't there to support it. Can you have it all? Balance. No, I won't quote Eat Pray Love. If I knew then, what I know now. Hugs feel good. To touch another human, that connection. I much prefer a hug over a handshake. I use to be too awkward for any of it. A slight smile. I've come along way. I've got a long way to go. The journey is tiring. I feel like I've been standing too long. Or sitting. Or maybe just I need a new scene. Could I move? It's out of my hands. I know this. But in another year or so I may try to again. I know the possibility is out there somewhere. Or maybe like Dorothy I have had it all the time. Where do you go if you leave New York? Where do you go when you leave yourself? And how do you find your way back...

Everyone Is Human

Everyone is Human. Five dates later and he didn't call me back. He didn't send a text. Silence. You think when you get past a third date that there would be some sign of goodbye. Not an official goodbye, but a gesture.

I'm still waiting for my grand gesture. I cleaned the dirt underneath my toes, but still am shamed of my hands. Worn from lifting weights, handling hot trays -- life. In January, when the weather turns cold. So cold it can be hard to get out of bed. What's the point? I have to remember that without action you aren't going anywhere. Don't you hate bumper sticker slogans? I do. Especially when they might reveal a layer of truth.

Truth. I am happy.
Truth. I want more.

Truth.

It's the only drug worth taking.

Resolved

I don't make New Years resolutions. I resolve not too. As I celebrated last night with friends, I realized, as I approach the age of thirty-three that this is it. The thirties are definitely more fun than the twenties. But forty? Is is the new thirty? And then fifty? And whatever else comes after. Or came before. I just was reminded, as I stood alone at midnight, like every other midnight, that I am an adult. I'm not a young adult. I'm not middle-aged. But I am an adult. In this moment. And it felt like an outer-body experience. Twenty years ago I was nearly thirteen. Fifteen years ago I graduated from high school. More patient. More forgiving. More self aware. Still trying to love myself enough so that maybe one day someone else might love me back. We don't change that much. How many times have I said that? As I sat for a pedicure, the dirt being scrubbed from underneath my toes. The dead skin washed away. But I'm still here. Life hasn't washed me away. I'm having fun.