Looking for a change

I have always wanted to live in California. Ever since I was 17 and went with my Grandma to visit my extended family in Santa Barbara. Initially I had wanted to go to UCSB (University of California: Santa Barbara) but when I was looking at schools I decided on Salve Regina in Rhode Island. Although I'm glad I went to Salve; I never would have met my friends ... including Mark if I hadn't, I also regret that I didn't follow my first love.

But they say everything happens for a reason. Maybe I wasn't meant to be out there at that time. Mark and I were destined to be best friends. He is a very important person in my life. Also, I probably wouldn't have met Carrie, because without Salve I wouldn't have been friends with Tara...and without being friends with Tara, we wouldn't have made that trip out to LA, where I met Carrie. I also wouldn't have known or made friends with Kris...and without knowing Kris I wouldn't be friends with Kari. It's like a spiderweb of friendships. I don't know what I would do without my friends I have met in college and in association with college. I wouldn't be the person I am today. But I always wonder...if I had gone to UCSB where would I be right now? Who would my friends be? Who would I be?

But we can't change the past, but we can change the future.

Yes, I did try to live out there after graduating college. I never made it past my cousins' house. My dream was to make it in Hollywood...no not necessarily an actor...I had thought of being a Director at one point. I'm not cut out for that though. Needless to say I came back. And if I hadn't come back I wouldn't have met Elle and Carrie.

The point of all of this is. I feel stuck. Stuck in whatever rut I am in right now. I need a serious change, and have known that for quite some time now. Working for my Dad hasn't been the best for me. Almost ten years has gotten me to a point of dreading every day. I am at a stalemate at the moment and don't know how to get myself out. How to dig myself out of this ditch.

For the past two years I have been planning on the big move. From this tiny state to the Golden Coast. I mean, who doesn't love California? It's simply the most laid back and wonderful state...sunshine and lollipops!

Originally I had been thinking of moving in the vicinity of Los Angeles, not directly in the city itself, but just on the outskirts (maybe Malibu?? Santa Monica?? HA - in my dreams!). But I found this wonderful apartment complex in a suburb of San Diego called Rancho Bernardo. It has the feel and look of a beautiful resort, and the moment I found it the place called out to me. So I have my heart set on it. I will see a model 1 bedroom and 2 bedroom in March, and hope that it speaks to me.

I am scared - out of my mind! But without fear and without progress where are we? Riddle me that! Okay, so I'm trying to convince myself that this is the right decision...and I am excited for it. But there are many times where I just lose sight of the joy and the fear takes over full force. It's not that I don't have support. My family supports me and I have family out there, a cousin who I am very close with lives just 45 minutes north of this place. My biggest fear is money. That is it. Money and a job.

But I know I have to do this, not only for my sanity, but also because I have to follow my dreams. Follow what I want to do. Make my life exciting. It is definitely time for an adventure. Who knows where it will lead.